Blessed are the Poot

It's never a bad idea to be around children unless you're a witch with an edible bungalow.

Today Screw Lucy's Nuts and Bolts Children's Service ventured to see "The Lorax." Then, in the spirit of our tree theme, spent time among the willows and oaks at Lynchburg City Cemetery's aboretum. This is what I learned:

1. If you wear a green wig to Regal Cinemas, some old guy behind you will whistle a circus tune and then when you turn around, pretend not to have done it.

2. Children are just as fascinated with the projector itself as with the movie.

3. Some kids feel misunderstood too. And they like it.

4. Pulling up "lettuces" or cauliflower plants that have overgrown and look a lot LIKE lettuces are fun to pull up. Some children will even brag that they are outstanding "puller uppers."

5. "Blessed are the poot, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."

6. If you want to take a handful of mints from a stranger's house, it's best to say your sister wants them then put a big handful in your pocket when no one is looking.

7. Flip flops are not the best footwear for a long walk.

8. Dung beetles are bugs that eat poop. Poop beetles would be a better name, but the best name of all would be dumb beetles because, after all, it's really dumb to eat poop.

9. Trying to find a grave of someone who died on your birthday isn't morbid or creepy. It's creative.

10. Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.

From Lynchburg but not of It

Last night was the first time in a long time I paid a cover to see a local band at a bar (technically, it's been so long I forgot CASH for a cover, and I owe my friend Kim for that). There are several reasons for this. One, I quit smoking and shouldn't really be around it. Two, I generally do not like crowded, noisy space. Three, I like being able to hear in the morning and not smelling like the rag a hooker uses to...take off her makeup.

Last night was St. Patrick's Day and my friend Kim (see above) invited me out to celebrate her birthday so I decided to go. I dressed festively and although it was crowded and I had to stand most of the time, once I had a view beers (and a margarita), not to mention food, I felt Lucy goosey and ready to have a great time.

Blackout was the local band playing. They are talented and I have personally known the lead singer for a number of years but I also could not help myself from commenting to Erik that Lynchburg is far from a town on the cutting edge of music since audiences don't generally want to hear anything but covers. The band did play one original song and it was good. It's not their fault that Lynchburg is not open to new music. Even the local paper covered Rare Form in Nashville who performed covers for a native talent agent.

It's ok. You can sing along and head bang. And I shouldn't present myself as some in-the-know, Rolling Stone type of person. The disc in my car is Def Leppard.

Then something happened that has happened to me for well over a decade. I was approached by a gentleman in a kilt who was obviously tipsy and having a fabulous time. He told me he liked my hair (it was a green wig) and proceeded to talk up Erik and I about working at--well, I can't tell you it's top secret--and Irish heritage. Then he asked,"So where are you guys from?" Over the blaring music we answered in unison,"HERE." He pretended like he didn't hear us right. Then said,"Get out of here! You're not from Lynchburg!"

This is a question I've been asked by strangers all my life with the same response. The reason they ask may vary but after Jim went to fetch another Yuengling last night I turned to Erik and said,"Why do people say that to me? I don't look unusual or act unusual so what is it?"

Erik in his Swedish, Irish abhorring wisdom answered,"He didn't think we were from here because of how readily and enthusiastically we engaged him. And that's always the reason. People from Lynchburg don't want you in their group if you aren't from here and they have that subtle, stand-offish way of letting you know they aren't interested in talking to you."

I supposed I've never realized this about Lynchburg--the counties, sure, but not Lynchburg. County folk will refer to someone as "not from here" when they have lived there almost all their lives. My supervisor is a perfect example of this. He moved to Gretna when he was 5 years old and he is now in his thirties and when I brought him up to Erik's dad as being from Gretna he immediately said,"Oh he's not from Gretna." And I guess he's not but...you know.

It would be interesting to hear what outsiders think about this theory. Maybe I need to go hunt for a few more Jims.

Miller Park(ed)

In college I had to write a paper for one of my classes about the regulations concerning playgrounds that took place somewhere between 1993 and 2003--I got an A on the paper but I can't remember exactly when the government regulations were enforced and how. All I know is, playgrounds are not like they used to be when I was growing up. I was reminded of this today when I visited Miller Park and the old playground had been removed all together--without a trace, unless you count an almost completely covered with grass, old sidewalk.

I have no idea when they finally took it away. It could have been 2 years ago or 10 years ago or longer but I do remember it (I think?): I believe there was a log cabin and those little rocking horse animals (like they had at Mcdonalds), maybe a merry-go-round. I feel like this little guy at the new playground is a nod to the past:

Back then they didn't care that we could fall to the ground and crack our heads on pavement. We were tough. We played on pavement and had no car seats. Screw a car seat. You could see the road from the floor of my grandpa's VW Bug.

One of my earliest memories is my "Pa" taking me to the Fireman fountain at Miller Park (which has not worked in a very long time). In those days, kids would play in the fountain and Pa would give me money to throw in the fountain. My very earliest memory was being 3-years-old and wanting to stay at the park with Pa so badly that I pooped in my pants. I held it in a lot those days. I swear to god I think the ADHD constipates children because they don't want to go through all the necessary steps of toileting. It's personally exhausting to me to this day--pants off, go, wipe, pants up, wash hands. I mean really. Enough already.

I even remember when the pool was not there--or at least I think I do. Can anyone tell me when it was reestablished because I can't for the life of me recall it being there in 1985?

Anyway, here is a random list of memories I have that concern Miller Park. Until you spend some quiet time digging, you'll never realize how much of your precious moments are tied up in one place:

1. When I was in High School my best friend (she's still my best friend) and I walked through the park and some random creepy, crack-head-type person shoved his wrist in her face and said,"See this watch? It's a nice watch. Do you want to buy a watch?" I ran and she continued conversing with him.

2. The same best friend found a random pornographic Polaroid of a man's genitals and brought it to school to show me what a penis looked like. Her prior attempts with drawings were atrocious and still are to this day (not that she draws a lot of penises--not to say she's unattractive). In an unrelated story my mother also pulled up to the Taco Bell in Madison Heights and discovered a similar photo attached to the underside of the drive-thru window. She did not share the same joy as Danielle in allowing me to view it.

3. My favorite season is autumn and Kaleidoscope, to me, is one of the harbingers of fall. "Day in the Park"--being so close to my home--always makes a part of me feel like a kid again. 

4. I remember feeding the squirrels in the park with Mom. Once, a squirrel came right up to me and put his upper lip on my finger before taking the nut and running away. He did not offer to sell me a watch.

5. Miller Park is beautiful in the winter. Erik and I, during a bad snow one year, braved through the cold to take photos. 

It's unfortunate it is not as it used to be. Miller Park isn't in an area like Rivermont and I noticed that the exercise points around the track are gone, the cannon is gone, and of course the fountain is off. I know it must be due to vandalism and theft and it's sad. I am thankful, however, that with so many things that change and pass away--buildings that have burned down or programs that have been long gone--it is one staple in the city that I can still go to and remember the good old days--and the new day don't look all that different. 

Living With AIDS in Lynchburg

Whenever I buy the paper, which is usually at least once a week, I always read the obituaries. My grandmother does this, so maybe it runs in the family, I don't know, but I think we are just both curious about people and who they are/were, including strangers.

This week I recognized one of the names.

Nationwide, Jonathan "Jonny" Ervin's book may be quite controversial. I haven't read it, but the title may clue you in. The title reads,"My Secret Place: Living with AIDS and Addiction, A Man Who Gave up Homosexuality for God."

I never met Jonny, but he was well known in the area, not only for his testimony, but because of his talent in singing and as a master stylist. I also bonded with his son when he was only a child and because of that relationship, became close to his mother who confided in me about Jonathan's struggles.

He died of AIDS in peace on Monday. His son is a young man everyone would be proud to claim. I am happy to have shared in a part of his life. He'd say the same about his Dad.

Regardless of your position on homosexuality, AIDS continues to plague the world--and our own community. This weekend, I'll be attending an AIDS awareness collaboration at The Jubilee Center. I'm excited to see my neighbor preform a drama that she composed herself. She has known someone with AIDS--a straight, young woman--as we all probably have at some point in our lives, whether we know it or not.

I respect the courage he had to tell his story.

Bea Wheat Free

Wheat allergies are tough. In conversation with coworkers this week I pondered the ailment of being picky in general. I can eat anything. I don't like fennel and I don't prefer raspberry, but I eat most foods. Erik, however, discovered he was allergic to wheat a few years ago when he experimented with eliminating it from his diet and found his sinuses cleared and he stopped having nose bleeds.

But there is now no bread in the house and forget going to get Italian food. Pizza and pasta are impossible to find in a a restaurant.

That's why we were ecstatic to find out Monto Carlo started offering wheat free pizza and pasta.

I've found bad reviews for the place but you have to take into consideration, some people are just jack assess and the place has been around since 1977. We decided to go on Sunday around 12:30 and it was empty for the buffet. So if that's the norm, you can also avoid the Sunday Church Rush here.

You get salad, soup and garlic bread with the meal. Danielle is a veteran Italian Restaurant employee since she worked for Salvatore's on Timberlake (oh how I don't miss those days...) so I trusted her opinion. The waitress was quiet but seemed to know her stuff. She gave us the option of getting our own salads. By that time another table showed up just in time to witness me spraying olives all over the salad bar.

I really can't stand small salad plates. What I am supposed to do with it? You can't get too much lettuce or toppings because if you try to cut it up, it's all over the table. I thought they gave you enough options for the salad though.

Let's not talk about the soup. Oh, god, the soup. I felt like I was eating Christmas. A very salty Christmas. Vegetable with cloves? Disastrous.

I ordered a dish called Alla Hazucha that included artichoke and white wine sauce. It was ok, but what I would note is that the pasta tasted totally normal. Erik ordered the pizza and although the crust doesn't rise like wheat, the overall flavor is great for someone who cannot eat pizza. The pepperoni was greasy, but that's just fine. He at the entire pie.

I thought the whole experience was ok. I could tell you other Italian restaurants in Lynchburg that are better (La Villa and Milanos) but we would come here because they have wheat free options. I think it's a real draw.

Plus Bea Arthur ate here once. 

3230 Old Forest Rd
Lynchburg, VA 24501

(434) 385-7711

Lynchburg Airport is Gay

If this statement offends you take it up with the person who mentioned to me how flaming gay the new Lynchburg Airport sign be. I couldn't believe this. Although I do have ADHD I drive past the airport almost every day and you would think I would notice a new sign that is rainbow colored with flamenco dancing queens kicking up their heels atop the flashing lights.

It's magenta and the fact that I didn't even notice it leaves me wondering what the fuss is all about. Darrell Laurant has me beat on this one most definitely. I did not notice the sign so the people contacting him are seeing something I am not.

What do you think?

(credit: Erik Custer)

(Please note that I have the right to all grammatical and spelling errors including but not limited to run-on sentences, fragment sentences, ending sentences with prepositions, and all horrific forms of misspelling. It's my damn blog of, is, at, with.)

Ruby Groundhogs and Other Strattera Induced Hallucinations

I gotta tell you, Strattera is some stuff. It's kind of like having a lot of adrenaline in your blood but not being hyper or like waking up at 5 a.m. and thinking about running to your local store to buy ingredients to prepare jalepno poppers. Ok, that's not really what's it like but that's what I did this morning. I think Strattera may make you like this woman eventually:

It's groundhog day. We have a lot of groundhogs in Lynchburg. I always think they're cute and then Erik reminds me they have diseases and tear up people's gardens. He ruins everything. Well, not everything. Lewis C.K. ruined my thoughts on deer.

This may be the first year we local really don't need to see the 'ol hog. It's been the most mild winter ever, that I can recall. I miss sledding, but not that much.

Tomorrow is "Go Red Day" to raise awareness of heart disease. I wish I could say there is a group in Lynchburg participating but there isn't. I could have drummed something up I suppose but I just remembered yesterday so I guess I'll simply be wearing red. We do have a Macy's but I honestly don't frequent there since I got fired (totally a conspiracy...it might have had something to do with the fact I called my boss a bitch) but this is the only event I know about.

If you know of anything a local business is doing for GO RED, do tell.

Meanwhile I really need to stock up on my costumes. I could be wearing an animal suit today and who knows what tomorrow...

I Don't Like Pink or Ladies But I Don't Mind This

The Farm Basket introduced a very fashionable line of clothing to their repertoire today. Since Sakinas closed, getting fashionable clothing is tough in Lynchburg. All we have is a J. Crew outlet and a few other hidden treasures. Then, of course, the mall. Bleh.

I hope they sell dresses. I prefer dresses...well I prefer costumes, but if I have to go somewhere, you know, where normal people go, I like to wear a dress. I checked out the Lilly Pulitzer's website and the dresses are really nice. They're expensive but really nice.

Of course, I read about the history of Lilly Pulitzer and had to laugh to myself. A woman of privilege is bored so she makes clothes for a living. I'm sorry--eye roll. That's so Boonesboro which is the crowd that usually patronizes The Farm Basket. I don't have $180 to spend on a dress. I wish I did but I don't!

I also wish I was born with my parent's money so I could make stuff and sell it then call it a living. But then I wouldn't be The Screw you've grown to love so well.

Of course, when I'm thin, rich, plastic, and not here, I'll disown all of you. You know that, right...;)

(I don't have money but I don't look scary either...well, today at least.)

Celebrating Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day in Lynchburg

Dr. Virgil A. Wood, a leading figure during the Civil Rights movement, will be the guest speaker Jan. 16 at Lynchburg College's annual Martin Luther King Jr. celebration at 6 p.m. in Snidow Chapel. Dr. Wood will speak on Martin Luther King Jr., the Organic Scholar: Engagement at the Intersection of Theory and Practice. The service will include music and "Majestic Praise," praise dancers from Altha Grove Baptist Church in Forest, Va.

The Lynchburg Museum and Point of Honor will offer free admission in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Point of Honor will feature guided tours of the 1815 Federal period home, once the seat of a 750-acre plantation. The special exhibit: Lynchburg At War: 1861-1865 remains on exhibit at the Museum through June 15.      


Martin Luther King, Jr. Service at Houston Memorial Chapel with William A. Johnson, first African-American elected mayor of the City of Rochester, New York. Born in Lynchburg, VA Johnson moved to Rochester in 1972 and served 21 years as president and chief executive officer of the Urban League of Rochester. In 2006 he became a Minett professor of public policy in Rochester Institute of Technology College of Liberal Arts. Houston Memorial Chapel 12:40 P.M.


The Lynchburg Museum at the Old Court House invites you to tour the museum for free on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Hours are 10:00 am - 4:00 pm. FREE!!!


And as always you can find exhibits celebrating Dr. King and African American history at The Jones Memorial Library and Legacy Museum.

Screw in the Pew: E.X.T.R.A.O.R.D.I.N.A.R.Y.

I am a big fan of Paul, although my friends who lean toward feminist ideals cannot fathom why: Paul delivered a few pieces of instruction that leave us believing that he did not feel women should be leaders in the church. I don't argue these points with people because I believe that people of today, much like Paul, are still affected by their own ideals and culture despite the truth of Christ. I believe the saints were flawed. I know Catholics will be shrieking at the thought of this but that's what I believe. 

When I visited "All People's Church" last Sunday, I thought of the words of Paul,"To the weak, I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some." 

I'm not really sure what he became for women, but I have the feeling he was not a suave man in that department. I think he may have been a little like C.S. Lewis--too wise and intelligent for the weaker sex. But we all know what happened to Lewis. People hold onto their ideals until someone falls into their path to prove all their theories wrong. Maybe Paul never met the right woman or maybe he really did have the gift of celibacy which would have come in handy while stranded on islands or chained in prison for long periods of time. 

This really has nothing to do with my experience in church Sunday. The all people part does, but I just wasted your time talking about Paul's dating habits or lack thereof. 

All People's Church welcomed a visiting minister Sunday who welcomed The Sterns, who direct King's Kids Village in Kenya, Africa. King's Kid's Village is a ministry that houses African children orphaned by the AIDS virus.

Missions really should follow Paul's concept of becoming all things to all people. I enjoy missionaries who are able to absorb and embrace the culture of their Gospel recipients. The food. The poverty. The bugs. The nudity.

I don't feel that missions work is cut out for me. But I like Paul's concept. It makes me think of costumes.

But my Mom told me that missions isn't crossing the sea; missions is seeing the cross.

Acts tells us that Paul did some pretty extraordinary things. The video above made it hard not to cry, but that's because I realize that it's the smaller concepts in the bigger concepts that sail us through the storm onto something bigger than what we are. Children are better at keeping it real. They don't get the politics and lingo yet.

This week's lesson for me was that we often need to focus on the wisdom and meaning of what is said, deeply consider it and get passed the source. I don't agree with everything Paul said, but I can absorb his wisdom because I know that people are flawed. People can be used by God and remain imperfect; God even speaks through people who think they've got it all right--and don't.

I'm kind of wondering what S.C.R.E.W. would stand for. 

Monday Madness

This Monday Madness started out with an Incredible Hulk and ended with a theological discussion.

I enjoyed 2 $4 appetizers, namely the crab nachos and an appetizer on bread I can't pronounce that involved goat cheese (I really wanted to order 2).

Next week I am going to try the $10 salmon dish.

I moved along with a "Pair-It-Up" martini (staying with the green theme).

I think you cannot lose if you choose a martini from the chocolate menu. The Reese's Pieces Martini was absolutely divine and I had a hard time refusing another, but decided it was time to call it a night.

If this doesn't make you attend Monday Madness...well I'm just sorry for you.

You Businesses Need to Advertise on Facebook Better

It's Date Night at Rivermont Pizza tonight, 1 appetizer. 1 pizza. 1 dessert. 1 bottle of red or white wine. $25. 5pm-9pm

ALSO....Tonight at Ned's, take 5%OFF any 12 or more mixed beers. Ned's / RP...Making your hump-day even better..Special today: Bring in 10 or more empty six pack holders and receive a 5% DISCOUNT on your beer or wine purchase!

Fort Hill Bowling  OPEN BOWLING FROM 11AM - 11PM BEFORE 5PM GAMES ARE $1.65 + TAX FROM 5PM - 9PM GAMES ARE $3.75 + TAX AND AFTER 9PM GAMES ARE $1.25 + TAX WITH SHOE RENTAL BEING $3.25

Harbour Inn Chicken Tenders and baby shrimp $5.99

Wine Down Wednesday Robin Alexander--glasses of wine are $5

Get 10% off your yogurt at Spoon Me! with a YMCA membership or 10% off at Sweet Frog by wearing their merchandise

Big Lick $0.45 wings and peel-and-eat shrimp. Mercutio playing from 5-8.

Briar Patch--BLIND LUCK playing at 7:30

Dozing Off In Central Virginia

I realize you thought this would be another church blog, but it's not. I have rarely had issues with sleep, but I'm aware that it's an epidemic. Many people don't prefer medication of any kind and others find sleeping pills don't leave them refreshed in the morning.

Dr. Mattews Office at 66 Timbrook Cour Lynchburg advertises assistance in sleep quality and a holistic approach to well being. I have never been there personally, but I have been to who I assume to be Dr. Luedke's husband and I found him to be very pleasant (he also thought I was amusing, which scored him big points).

It is also possible you may have sleep apnea and don't realize it. If this is the case, you'll need to be tested so that you can start receiving treatments. Lynchburg Oral surgery can schedule an appointment online to diagnose you. Follow the link for a list of participating insurances.

Another option could be to change your mattress. I've had issues with this very thing lately and visited the Great American Sleep Shop on Lakeside Drive. Although I'm not entirely enthused about their hours of operation, I found the sales personnel to be friendly, knowledgeable, and accommodating. I thought their prices were both reasonable and lower prices as well, considering I bought my last mattress at Mattress Warehouse. They have been locally owned and operated for 30 years.

Finally, I can make a suggestion I have actually experienced myself. Vital Edge Health Store in Altavista sells a tea that a friends personally recommended. He referred me to the beverage, describing it as a "relaxation" drink. We could all use a little relaxation at a stressful job--couldn't we?

Little did I know that half way through the bottle of "Bob Marley's Mellow Mood Black Tea" (the fact that it's black tea causes me to chuckle every time) I would struggle not to fall completely into a dark and silent sleep during work hours. It's 100% natural...and I can't help but suspect it has more "herbs" in it than what is advertised on the label...

Screw in the Pew Series: The Six Degrees of Jesus Christ

There are more than several advantages to going to a small church. Small groups became a Evangelical trend I'd say maybe 15 years ago. I'm sure the intention was good and the outcome successful, but for a person like me, you don't get the forced variety of people and, in my experience, that's very important.

In other words, if you go to a big church, you more than likely get to choose with whom you “fellowship.” If you're a mom, you get to join the mom group. If you're single, you get to join the single group. If you're a smoking part-time clown, you get to join the smoking, part-time clown group.

If you go to a small church, you are automatically in the small group and for me, that's where the fun begins. I don't need to go to church to solicit peers: I can do that on my own.

Therefore, I was very pleased to have my after-service snacks with Ken, a casually dressed parishioner who projected self assurance as he welcomed Erik and I.

The typical question, as usual, is “what do you do?” After sharing that my work centers around being a professional jelly bean, Ken revealed that his vocation is something that has to do with computers and/or electronics and/or including training, kind-of-very-important-guy-stuff. He did a better job of explaining the title, but if you have a profession in IT, you can explain all you like. All I can invoke is a picture of you in front of a computer doing something I don't understand. One thing I did understand, however, is that Ken will be teaching a class soon, he travels, and he's met the same famous person multiple times.

“Who is that guy....there's a game named after him...you have to guess the degrees?” This is what separates us a generation. Ken did not know the name of Kevin Bacon and may have thought it a novelty, but not really that big of a deal. He had met Kevin while at a hotel and had asked him when the party down stairs was going to be over before realizing he was famous. I would have been stalking the entire fiasco from the balcony, resulting most certainly in an arrest which, of course, would have been worth it.

Had I been in a small group I wouldn't have had the opportunity to hear this story because if they had a small group for people like me, everyone would be talking at the same time and only listening to their own story. However, now I am removed from Kevin by one person thanks to Ken. And little does he realize he is now removed from Pat Robertson by one, but that story is for another blog.

But what the breakfast item does Kevin Bacon have to do with church?

I didn't know that he did really, until hearing the New Year's Day message at St. Stephens. Episcopal churches celebrate the Feast of Names on January 1^st (I personally think if you celebrate a feast you should have one but that's probably because I'm a glutton) and St. Stephens is no exception: The Feast of Names celebrates the verse in Luke in which the angel advises Mary of, not only her divine pregnancy, but also the name of the Christ.

Reverend Father Heying opened his sermon with a visual aid (namely his birth certificate) and a story about Jerry Falwell. The birth certificate lacked a name and the story about Falwell did not sit very well with me since it concerned the fact that the good Doctor always remembered names. If he remembered names he must have always forgotten my mother's since he did not address nor acknowledge her presence on more than one occasion. Of course, her being a female pastor probably had nothing to do with that (I bet Pat Robertson would have remembered her name).

Preparing for this blog I prayed that God would speak if he wished, to me first and then my audience. The day after, I was enjoying lunch in my car while tuning my car radio onto automatic scan. I briefly heard a minister say,”Name.” I tuned back to that station and found a sermon about the names of God:

Jehovah Jirah—The Lord will Provide

Jehovah Shalom—The Lord is Peace

Jehovah Rappha—The Lord who Heals

The list goes on and on. Notice how you can tag on “for me” at the end.

Isn't it interesting that more often than not, the names of God are intermingled with what God does for us? No, who He IS for us?

My mother taught about the scripture in Jeremiah long ago:

“They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.”

Mom's visual instruction allowed me to recall that word “wait” is a Hebrew word that created a picture of being intermingled as the strands of a rope. One strand is weak and barren of strength. Intertwined with other strands, you lose the picture of just one strand as it has become something else all together. And more than that, it has become strong.

This is the picture that is revealed to me when I think of the name of God. It's tremendous to imagine that the qualities of God become a part of our existence in relationship with Him. Paul said we are the righteousness of Christ. And the angel told Mary that her child would be named Jesus. Mary pondered these things in her heart. I ponder these things in my heart. God, my peace. God, my provider. God, my healing.

If God's name is a revelation of who I am, and He is revealing through His name the identity of others, then what is my name or my identity revealing to others about themselves?

Ken excused himself from the table after assuring Erik and I it was nice to meet us and Reverend Father Heying joined us after spending time with a few other new people who had attended the service that morning. He showed us how the new iphone 4 works and we enjoyed casual conversation.

As far as what my identity means to others, I can't wait to find out.

But waiting is exactly what I'll have to do.  

Another Uncleverly Titled Blog about Where to Shop for Clearance

January and February are good months to buy Christmas items and winter clothing really cheap. I have found that March and April are some of the best months for coats and sweaters, but January is nothing to shake a stick at.

1. Sakinas

...is STILL open. If I had money, this would be my favorite clothing store since they carry Diane Von Fostenburg and tall sizes. They are going out of business (they have been doing so for what seems like a year) but they are not closing until the building is sold. So those of you who already went to sell your gold--enjoy.

2. McBride-Blackburn Opticians

...has handbags and jewelry 50% off. That's right. An eye doctor sells handbags. If you put your glasses on and still want to buy one then I guess half off is a right price.


3. CoCo's Jewelry and Gift Boutique

...save 75% off winter consignments--shoes, accessories, apparel, outerwear (located in the Galleria, Main St. Lynchburg)

4. R. Coffee Ltd.

...I hear rumor of a sale corner...

5. Lancaster Galleries

...by a console and a stool at 60% off.

Go for the Gold

Through Sunday, January 8, you will have the opportunity to sell your gold and silver at Kirkley Hotel. National Redemption (who received a B rating by the Better Business Bureau's standards) is accepting the following:

1. Gold Class Rings

2. Gold Chains

3. Sterling Silver

4. Silver and Gold Coins

5. Cold Bullion (bars, ingots, etc)

OR...if you want to keep it local, here is a review my mother wrote (without my solicitation) on Facebook:

Went to Lynchburg Pawn Shop today to sell some gold. I cashed out and was heading home very happy with the transaction when my phone rang. It was Heather at the Pawn Shop who informed me that she had overlooked an ingot of gold and had not paid me for it. Please note: If she had not called me I would not have known I left it. I went back and she gave me cash ($525 more dollars!) for the ingot. Being that gold is not tracked a dishonest person could easily have slipped this in their pocket and walked away. Thank you, Heather and Sean at Lynchburg Pawn Shop! This is the second time I've done business with them...great people, wonderful business.

Horns of Plenty

When I say,"I don't hunt" people usually respond,"Well, you eat meat don't you? How do you think it got on your plate?"

I don't change diapers either, but I'm definitely not against babies wearing them. The alternative would be...even more smell and totally unsanitary.

What I DO is support charities that help people. There is a local charity in need and they would be thankful for your donation. A donation that stems from a sport you may already enjoy.

Hunters for the Hungry is not supported by ANY states funds. They take deer donations, professionally butcher it, and supply the meat to local food banks and other ministries and organizations that feed the hungry. Funds are raised, but they also need meat.

The economy has affected their ability to supply meat and they are struggling to meet demands (or "meat" demands as the case may be).

Won't you reach out to family, friends, and church members to let them know about the need? If you know hunters who may not realize there is a program that does such a thing, just letting them know about it may prompt them to give--it may even be a service that will benefit them.

There's no Clever Title Here, It's Just Really Cock-a-doody Cold

My friends in L.A. may make fun of me, but I was forced to sleep on the heating pad last night yet again due to the fact that it's cold as a witch's...ice cream cone in my room, despite the heater blasting at full force and, although I am suffering with what feels like frost bite, I can't help myself: I have to be helpful to my audience and make suggestions about what YOU can do to keep warm.

1. Get some insulation.

Nelligan insulation has served the local area for over 10 years. I know, I dated one of their employees. I wouldn't recommend snuggling up with one of their dedicated workers after a fiber glass job, but their products help keep your bills down--if you can afford the initial job.

2. Buy a scarf.

You can buy authentic Prada scarves at CoCo's Jewelry and Gift Boutique Downtown Lynchburg. Once I make an investment in a scarf (I technically don't have one--can you believe that?) this is where I'll be going. Then I'll proceed to turn to strangers everywhere I go to say,"Hey this is a Prada scarf. That's right--PRADA. I'm designer."

3. Find a hot tub, a hot spring, or some hot source of water.

Honestly the first thing I think of here is the old Howard Johnson's motel out in Madison Heights because they have hot tubs in the room, but I'm not sure if that's true any more. It's been a long time since I've been there (don't judge me). However, the Jamerson's YMCA has a co-ed hot tub and pool. I do not recommend trying the hot tub at the Downtown YMCA although I prefer to utilize their other facilities. You may be eating breakfast, so I won't talk about my experience with the whirlpool of doom.

4. Get some coffee.

I prefer Joe Beans, if not for anything else, because I don't have to get out of the car.

5. Go get a sundae.

That's right. Perhaps hot fudge at the Sundae Grill. I read somewhere once (I'm almost certain it was in one of the Bathroom Readers) that hot fudge sundaes will warm you up more than hot chocolate because they have more calories. I'll support that theory. You may want to add wet walnuts just to be sure.

The Mall Cost me Much More Than Blood

I hate the mall. I'm not going to pretend I like it. But a lot of that has to do with the fact that I worked there for five years and some of you really do enjoy it. So here's what's going on in the mall today. I'll be working a 12 hour shift and I have to say, I'd much rather be at the mall than work but I'd much rather be in a padded cell than work too:

1. Belk's Senior Citizen Day is today so if you're 55 or more I'd go on and go. They probably have a lot of Christmas stuff on sale and we were able to decorate our home to a ridiculous measure growing up because of the Belk+coupons+out-of-season-sales+senior day.

2. Today is the next to last day of Macy's Beauty Scene Event. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but if you didn't get the makeup you wanted for Christmas like I did you might want to go. Of course, I'd advise you wait to get a consult from Jennifer Beverley who works at the Lancome counter at Belk. I mean, you're already going to be their for Senior Day as a Senior or someone taking a senior. Jennifer Beverley is a sexy mug.

3. January is blood donor month. I have never given blood because I am afraid of passing out and making a huge embarrassment of myself but perhaps I will overcome that fear in 2012. Until then, you can fill in for me from noon til 7 p.m. at River Ridge and help save a life.

4. If you read the paper you'll know Planet Fitness opened up December 27th and that they are open Monday-Friday 24 hours a day. For $10 a month you can enjoy a standard membership and for $19.99 a month you can enjoy unlimited tanning as well along with a collagen replenishment treatment and massage chair.

5. Lots of stores have 50%-75% off sales. Among my favorites are Bath and Body Works, Hickory Farms, and Hot Topic where most denim will be 50% off.

The following picture really has nothing to do with any of this except that it was taken when I worked at the mall. I'm  including it because I'm young, thin, and hot in it. That will be all for today.

Elvis, The Incredible Hulk, and the Bedford Boys Walked into a Bar...

Monday: it's what's for dinner.

Actually it's the day that we return to work--Garfield hid from it's shadows as if it were Doomsday incarnate. And that's why I feel Robin Alexander should name one of their martinis "The Garfield"--because Robin Alexander has a martini for darn near everything else.

Monday Madness is out there folks. It's real. It's real and it's happening. And it's soliciting a taxi.

I've known for quite some time that Robin Alexander has an extensive martini list. After all, the Screw Crew and I celebrated my birthday there last year (I'm still getting over the fact they let Tomeca have the party room and not me but I'm assuming that's because she's black and they haven't discovered I'm black yet) with a margarita themed (please see last blog) matching Lolita glasses for all my guests. Little did I know until today, some genius at large has developed Monday Madness, leaving you with more money in your pocket and more sugar and vodka in your tummy.

And God knows, I love a good theme.

Robin Alexander's martini list is so extensive, it's divided into categories. You may prefer a chocolate selection, perhaps a fruity combo, maybe you'll wander over to the cocktails with a nod to the traditional and non-traditional candy. There's more. It's quite fascinating.

(Pop Rocks Martini)

I've only just begun but so far I've had the pleasure of having the Pop Rocks martini (they stole my margarita idea but I'm going to let it go...I'm going to let it go...), Dirty Monkey martini, and Grapefruit martini. Some of their martinis resemble rock stars, TV shows, or historical figures (local even--impressive) and a few have movie titles like James and the Giant Peach or Silence of the Lambs (one of Screw's favorites).

(Dirty Monkey)

So whenever you have a Miserable Monday, punch your time card and head on downtown to Robin Alexander. I'm going to make it a tradition.