Lynchburg Airport is Gay

If this statement offends you take it up with the person who mentioned to me how flaming gay the new Lynchburg Airport sign be. I couldn't believe this. Although I do have ADHD I drive past the airport almost every day and you would think I would notice a new sign that is rainbow colored with flamenco dancing queens kicking up their heels atop the flashing lights.

It's magenta and the fact that I didn't even notice it leaves me wondering what the fuss is all about. Darrell Laurant has me beat on this one most definitely. I did not notice the sign so the people contacting him are seeing something I am not.

What do you think?

(credit: Erik Custer)

(Please note that I have the right to all grammatical and spelling errors including but not limited to run-on sentences, fragment sentences, ending sentences with prepositions, and all horrific forms of misspelling. It's my damn blog of, is, at, with.)

Ruby Groundhogs and Other Strattera Induced Hallucinations

I gotta tell you, Strattera is some stuff. It's kind of like having a lot of adrenaline in your blood but not being hyper or like waking up at 5 a.m. and thinking about running to your local store to buy ingredients to prepare jalepno poppers. Ok, that's not really what's it like but that's what I did this morning. I think Strattera may make you like this woman eventually:

It's groundhog day. We have a lot of groundhogs in Lynchburg. I always think they're cute and then Erik reminds me they have diseases and tear up people's gardens. He ruins everything. Well, not everything. Lewis C.K. ruined my thoughts on deer.

This may be the first year we local really don't need to see the 'ol hog. It's been the most mild winter ever, that I can recall. I miss sledding, but not that much.

Tomorrow is "Go Red Day" to raise awareness of heart disease. I wish I could say there is a group in Lynchburg participating but there isn't. I could have drummed something up I suppose but I just remembered yesterday so I guess I'll simply be wearing red. We do have a Macy's but I honestly don't frequent there since I got fired (totally a conspiracy...it might have had something to do with the fact I called my boss a bitch) but this is the only event I know about.

If you know of anything a local business is doing for GO RED, do tell.

Meanwhile I really need to stock up on my costumes. I could be wearing an animal suit today and who knows what tomorrow...

I Don't Like Pink or Ladies But I Don't Mind This

The Farm Basket introduced a very fashionable line of clothing to their repertoire today. Since Sakinas closed, getting fashionable clothing is tough in Lynchburg. All we have is a J. Crew outlet and a few other hidden treasures. Then, of course, the mall. Bleh.

I hope they sell dresses. I prefer dresses...well I prefer costumes, but if I have to go somewhere, you know, where normal people go, I like to wear a dress. I checked out the Lilly Pulitzer's website and the dresses are really nice. They're expensive but really nice.

Of course, I read about the history of Lilly Pulitzer and had to laugh to myself. A woman of privilege is bored so she makes clothes for a living. I'm sorry--eye roll. That's so Boonesboro which is the crowd that usually patronizes The Farm Basket. I don't have $180 to spend on a dress. I wish I did but I don't!

I also wish I was born with my parent's money so I could make stuff and sell it then call it a living. But then I wouldn't be The Screw you've grown to love so well.

Of course, when I'm thin, rich, plastic, and not here, I'll disown all of you. You know that, right...;)

(I don't have money but I don't look scary either...well, today at least.)

Celebrating Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day in Lynchburg

Dr. Virgil A. Wood, a leading figure during the Civil Rights movement, will be the guest speaker Jan. 16 at Lynchburg College's annual Martin Luther King Jr. celebration at 6 p.m. in Snidow Chapel. Dr. Wood will speak on Martin Luther King Jr., the Organic Scholar: Engagement at the Intersection of Theory and Practice. The service will include music and "Majestic Praise," praise dancers from Altha Grove Baptist Church in Forest, Va.

The Lynchburg Museum and Point of Honor will offer free admission in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Point of Honor will feature guided tours of the 1815 Federal period home, once the seat of a 750-acre plantation. The special exhibit: Lynchburg At War: 1861-1865 remains on exhibit at the Museum through June 15.      


Martin Luther King, Jr. Service at Houston Memorial Chapel with William A. Johnson, first African-American elected mayor of the City of Rochester, New York. Born in Lynchburg, VA Johnson moved to Rochester in 1972 and served 21 years as president and chief executive officer of the Urban League of Rochester. In 2006 he became a Minett professor of public policy in Rochester Institute of Technology College of Liberal Arts. Houston Memorial Chapel 12:40 P.M.


The Lynchburg Museum at the Old Court House invites you to tour the museum for free on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Hours are 10:00 am - 4:00 pm. FREE!!!


And as always you can find exhibits celebrating Dr. King and African American history at The Jones Memorial Library and Legacy Museum.

Screw in the Pew: E.X.T.R.A.O.R.D.I.N.A.R.Y.

I am a big fan of Paul, although my friends who lean toward feminist ideals cannot fathom why: Paul delivered a few pieces of instruction that leave us believing that he did not feel women should be leaders in the church. I don't argue these points with people because I believe that people of today, much like Paul, are still affected by their own ideals and culture despite the truth of Christ. I believe the saints were flawed. I know Catholics will be shrieking at the thought of this but that's what I believe. 

When I visited "All People's Church" last Sunday, I thought of the words of Paul,"To the weak, I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some." 

I'm not really sure what he became for women, but I have the feeling he was not a suave man in that department. I think he may have been a little like C.S. Lewis--too wise and intelligent for the weaker sex. But we all know what happened to Lewis. People hold onto their ideals until someone falls into their path to prove all their theories wrong. Maybe Paul never met the right woman or maybe he really did have the gift of celibacy which would have come in handy while stranded on islands or chained in prison for long periods of time. 

This really has nothing to do with my experience in church Sunday. The all people part does, but I just wasted your time talking about Paul's dating habits or lack thereof. 

All People's Church welcomed a visiting minister Sunday who welcomed The Sterns, who direct King's Kids Village in Kenya, Africa. King's Kid's Village is a ministry that houses African children orphaned by the AIDS virus.

Missions really should follow Paul's concept of becoming all things to all people. I enjoy missionaries who are able to absorb and embrace the culture of their Gospel recipients. The food. The poverty. The bugs. The nudity.

I don't feel that missions work is cut out for me. But I like Paul's concept. It makes me think of costumes.

But my Mom told me that missions isn't crossing the sea; missions is seeing the cross.

Acts tells us that Paul did some pretty extraordinary things. The video above made it hard not to cry, but that's because I realize that it's the smaller concepts in the bigger concepts that sail us through the storm onto something bigger than what we are. Children are better at keeping it real. They don't get the politics and lingo yet.

This week's lesson for me was that we often need to focus on the wisdom and meaning of what is said, deeply consider it and get passed the source. I don't agree with everything Paul said, but I can absorb his wisdom because I know that people are flawed. People can be used by God and remain imperfect; God even speaks through people who think they've got it all right--and don't.

I'm kind of wondering what S.C.R.E.W. would stand for. 

Monday Madness

This Monday Madness started out with an Incredible Hulk and ended with a theological discussion.

I enjoyed 2 $4 appetizers, namely the crab nachos and an appetizer on bread I can't pronounce that involved goat cheese (I really wanted to order 2).

Next week I am going to try the $10 salmon dish.

I moved along with a "Pair-It-Up" martini (staying with the green theme).

I think you cannot lose if you choose a martini from the chocolate menu. The Reese's Pieces Martini was absolutely divine and I had a hard time refusing another, but decided it was time to call it a night.

If this doesn't make you attend Monday Madness...well I'm just sorry for you.

You Businesses Need to Advertise on Facebook Better

It's Date Night at Rivermont Pizza tonight, 1 appetizer. 1 pizza. 1 dessert. 1 bottle of red or white wine. $25. 5pm-9pm

ALSO....Tonight at Ned's, take 5%OFF any 12 or more mixed beers. Ned's / RP...Making your hump-day even better..Special today: Bring in 10 or more empty six pack holders and receive a 5% DISCOUNT on your beer or wine purchase!

Fort Hill Bowling  OPEN BOWLING FROM 11AM - 11PM BEFORE 5PM GAMES ARE $1.65 + TAX FROM 5PM - 9PM GAMES ARE $3.75 + TAX AND AFTER 9PM GAMES ARE $1.25 + TAX WITH SHOE RENTAL BEING $3.25

Harbour Inn Chicken Tenders and baby shrimp $5.99

Wine Down Wednesday Robin Alexander--glasses of wine are $5

Get 10% off your yogurt at Spoon Me! with a YMCA membership or 10% off at Sweet Frog by wearing their merchandise

Big Lick $0.45 wings and peel-and-eat shrimp. Mercutio playing from 5-8.

Briar Patch--BLIND LUCK playing at 7:30

Dozing Off In Central Virginia

I realize you thought this would be another church blog, but it's not. I have rarely had issues with sleep, but I'm aware that it's an epidemic. Many people don't prefer medication of any kind and others find sleeping pills don't leave them refreshed in the morning.

Dr. Mattews Office at 66 Timbrook Cour Lynchburg advertises assistance in sleep quality and a holistic approach to well being. I have never been there personally, but I have been to who I assume to be Dr. Luedke's husband and I found him to be very pleasant (he also thought I was amusing, which scored him big points).

It is also possible you may have sleep apnea and don't realize it. If this is the case, you'll need to be tested so that you can start receiving treatments. Lynchburg Oral surgery can schedule an appointment online to diagnose you. Follow the link for a list of participating insurances.

Another option could be to change your mattress. I've had issues with this very thing lately and visited the Great American Sleep Shop on Lakeside Drive. Although I'm not entirely enthused about their hours of operation, I found the sales personnel to be friendly, knowledgeable, and accommodating. I thought their prices were both reasonable and lower prices as well, considering I bought my last mattress at Mattress Warehouse. They have been locally owned and operated for 30 years.

Finally, I can make a suggestion I have actually experienced myself. Vital Edge Health Store in Altavista sells a tea that a friends personally recommended. He referred me to the beverage, describing it as a "relaxation" drink. We could all use a little relaxation at a stressful job--couldn't we?

Little did I know that half way through the bottle of "Bob Marley's Mellow Mood Black Tea" (the fact that it's black tea causes me to chuckle every time) I would struggle not to fall completely into a dark and silent sleep during work hours. It's 100% natural...and I can't help but suspect it has more "herbs" in it than what is advertised on the label...

Screw in the Pew Series: The Six Degrees of Jesus Christ

There are more than several advantages to going to a small church. Small groups became a Evangelical trend I'd say maybe 15 years ago. I'm sure the intention was good and the outcome successful, but for a person like me, you don't get the forced variety of people and, in my experience, that's very important.

In other words, if you go to a big church, you more than likely get to choose with whom you “fellowship.” If you're a mom, you get to join the mom group. If you're single, you get to join the single group. If you're a smoking part-time clown, you get to join the smoking, part-time clown group.

If you go to a small church, you are automatically in the small group and for me, that's where the fun begins. I don't need to go to church to solicit peers: I can do that on my own.

Therefore, I was very pleased to have my after-service snacks with Ken, a casually dressed parishioner who projected self assurance as he welcomed Erik and I.

The typical question, as usual, is “what do you do?” After sharing that my work centers around being a professional jelly bean, Ken revealed that his vocation is something that has to do with computers and/or electronics and/or including training, kind-of-very-important-guy-stuff. He did a better job of explaining the title, but if you have a profession in IT, you can explain all you like. All I can invoke is a picture of you in front of a computer doing something I don't understand. One thing I did understand, however, is that Ken will be teaching a class soon, he travels, and he's met the same famous person multiple times.

“Who is that guy....there's a game named after him...you have to guess the degrees?” This is what separates us a generation. Ken did not know the name of Kevin Bacon and may have thought it a novelty, but not really that big of a deal. He had met Kevin while at a hotel and had asked him when the party down stairs was going to be over before realizing he was famous. I would have been stalking the entire fiasco from the balcony, resulting most certainly in an arrest which, of course, would have been worth it.

Had I been in a small group I wouldn't have had the opportunity to hear this story because if they had a small group for people like me, everyone would be talking at the same time and only listening to their own story. However, now I am removed from Kevin by one person thanks to Ken. And little does he realize he is now removed from Pat Robertson by one, but that story is for another blog.

But what the breakfast item does Kevin Bacon have to do with church?

I didn't know that he did really, until hearing the New Year's Day message at St. Stephens. Episcopal churches celebrate the Feast of Names on January 1^st (I personally think if you celebrate a feast you should have one but that's probably because I'm a glutton) and St. Stephens is no exception: The Feast of Names celebrates the verse in Luke in which the angel advises Mary of, not only her divine pregnancy, but also the name of the Christ.

Reverend Father Heying opened his sermon with a visual aid (namely his birth certificate) and a story about Jerry Falwell. The birth certificate lacked a name and the story about Falwell did not sit very well with me since it concerned the fact that the good Doctor always remembered names. If he remembered names he must have always forgotten my mother's since he did not address nor acknowledge her presence on more than one occasion. Of course, her being a female pastor probably had nothing to do with that (I bet Pat Robertson would have remembered her name).

Preparing for this blog I prayed that God would speak if he wished, to me first and then my audience. The day after, I was enjoying lunch in my car while tuning my car radio onto automatic scan. I briefly heard a minister say,”Name.” I tuned back to that station and found a sermon about the names of God:

Jehovah Jirah—The Lord will Provide

Jehovah Shalom—The Lord is Peace

Jehovah Rappha—The Lord who Heals

The list goes on and on. Notice how you can tag on “for me” at the end.

Isn't it interesting that more often than not, the names of God are intermingled with what God does for us? No, who He IS for us?

My mother taught about the scripture in Jeremiah long ago:

“They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.”

Mom's visual instruction allowed me to recall that word “wait” is a Hebrew word that created a picture of being intermingled as the strands of a rope. One strand is weak and barren of strength. Intertwined with other strands, you lose the picture of just one strand as it has become something else all together. And more than that, it has become strong.

This is the picture that is revealed to me when I think of the name of God. It's tremendous to imagine that the qualities of God become a part of our existence in relationship with Him. Paul said we are the righteousness of Christ. And the angel told Mary that her child would be named Jesus. Mary pondered these things in her heart. I ponder these things in my heart. God, my peace. God, my provider. God, my healing.

If God's name is a revelation of who I am, and He is revealing through His name the identity of others, then what is my name or my identity revealing to others about themselves?

Ken excused himself from the table after assuring Erik and I it was nice to meet us and Reverend Father Heying joined us after spending time with a few other new people who had attended the service that morning. He showed us how the new iphone 4 works and we enjoyed casual conversation.

As far as what my identity means to others, I can't wait to find out.

But waiting is exactly what I'll have to do.  

Another Uncleverly Titled Blog about Where to Shop for Clearance

January and February are good months to buy Christmas items and winter clothing really cheap. I have found that March and April are some of the best months for coats and sweaters, but January is nothing to shake a stick at.

1. Sakinas

...is STILL open. If I had money, this would be my favorite clothing store since they carry Diane Von Fostenburg and tall sizes. They are going out of business (they have been doing so for what seems like a year) but they are not closing until the building is sold. So those of you who already went to sell your gold--enjoy.

2. McBride-Blackburn Opticians

...has handbags and jewelry 50% off. That's right. An eye doctor sells handbags. If you put your glasses on and still want to buy one then I guess half off is a right price.


3. CoCo's Jewelry and Gift Boutique

...save 75% off winter consignments--shoes, accessories, apparel, outerwear (located in the Galleria, Main St. Lynchburg)

4. R. Coffee Ltd.

...I hear rumor of a sale corner...

5. Lancaster Galleries

...by a console and a stool at 60% off.

Go for the Gold

Through Sunday, January 8, you will have the opportunity to sell your gold and silver at Kirkley Hotel. National Redemption (who received a B rating by the Better Business Bureau's standards) is accepting the following:

1. Gold Class Rings

2. Gold Chains

3. Sterling Silver

4. Silver and Gold Coins

5. Cold Bullion (bars, ingots, etc)

OR...if you want to keep it local, here is a review my mother wrote (without my solicitation) on Facebook:

Went to Lynchburg Pawn Shop today to sell some gold. I cashed out and was heading home very happy with the transaction when my phone rang. It was Heather at the Pawn Shop who informed me that she had overlooked an ingot of gold and had not paid me for it. Please note: If she had not called me I would not have known I left it. I went back and she gave me cash ($525 more dollars!) for the ingot. Being that gold is not tracked a dishonest person could easily have slipped this in their pocket and walked away. Thank you, Heather and Sean at Lynchburg Pawn Shop! This is the second time I've done business with them...great people, wonderful business.

Horns of Plenty

When I say,"I don't hunt" people usually respond,"Well, you eat meat don't you? How do you think it got on your plate?"

I don't change diapers either, but I'm definitely not against babies wearing them. The alternative would be...even more smell and totally unsanitary.

What I DO is support charities that help people. There is a local charity in need and they would be thankful for your donation. A donation that stems from a sport you may already enjoy.

Hunters for the Hungry is not supported by ANY states funds. They take deer donations, professionally butcher it, and supply the meat to local food banks and other ministries and organizations that feed the hungry. Funds are raised, but they also need meat.

The economy has affected their ability to supply meat and they are struggling to meet demands (or "meat" demands as the case may be).

Won't you reach out to family, friends, and church members to let them know about the need? If you know hunters who may not realize there is a program that does such a thing, just letting them know about it may prompt them to give--it may even be a service that will benefit them.

There's no Clever Title Here, It's Just Really Cock-a-doody Cold

My friends in L.A. may make fun of me, but I was forced to sleep on the heating pad last night yet again due to the fact that it's cold as a witch's...ice cream cone in my room, despite the heater blasting at full force and, although I am suffering with what feels like frost bite, I can't help myself: I have to be helpful to my audience and make suggestions about what YOU can do to keep warm.

1. Get some insulation.

Nelligan insulation has served the local area for over 10 years. I know, I dated one of their employees. I wouldn't recommend snuggling up with one of their dedicated workers after a fiber glass job, but their products help keep your bills down--if you can afford the initial job.

2. Buy a scarf.

You can buy authentic Prada scarves at CoCo's Jewelry and Gift Boutique Downtown Lynchburg. Once I make an investment in a scarf (I technically don't have one--can you believe that?) this is where I'll be going. Then I'll proceed to turn to strangers everywhere I go to say,"Hey this is a Prada scarf. That's right--PRADA. I'm designer."

3. Find a hot tub, a hot spring, or some hot source of water.

Honestly the first thing I think of here is the old Howard Johnson's motel out in Madison Heights because they have hot tubs in the room, but I'm not sure if that's true any more. It's been a long time since I've been there (don't judge me). However, the Jamerson's YMCA has a co-ed hot tub and pool. I do not recommend trying the hot tub at the Downtown YMCA although I prefer to utilize their other facilities. You may be eating breakfast, so I won't talk about my experience with the whirlpool of doom.

4. Get some coffee.

I prefer Joe Beans, if not for anything else, because I don't have to get out of the car.

5. Go get a sundae.

That's right. Perhaps hot fudge at the Sundae Grill. I read somewhere once (I'm almost certain it was in one of the Bathroom Readers) that hot fudge sundaes will warm you up more than hot chocolate because they have more calories. I'll support that theory. You may want to add wet walnuts just to be sure.

The Mall Cost me Much More Than Blood

I hate the mall. I'm not going to pretend I like it. But a lot of that has to do with the fact that I worked there for five years and some of you really do enjoy it. So here's what's going on in the mall today. I'll be working a 12 hour shift and I have to say, I'd much rather be at the mall than work but I'd much rather be in a padded cell than work too:

1. Belk's Senior Citizen Day is today so if you're 55 or more I'd go on and go. They probably have a lot of Christmas stuff on sale and we were able to decorate our home to a ridiculous measure growing up because of the Belk+coupons+out-of-season-sales+senior day.

2. Today is the next to last day of Macy's Beauty Scene Event. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but if you didn't get the makeup you wanted for Christmas like I did you might want to go. Of course, I'd advise you wait to get a consult from Jennifer Beverley who works at the Lancome counter at Belk. I mean, you're already going to be their for Senior Day as a Senior or someone taking a senior. Jennifer Beverley is a sexy mug.

3. January is blood donor month. I have never given blood because I am afraid of passing out and making a huge embarrassment of myself but perhaps I will overcome that fear in 2012. Until then, you can fill in for me from noon til 7 p.m. at River Ridge and help save a life.

4. If you read the paper you'll know Planet Fitness opened up December 27th and that they are open Monday-Friday 24 hours a day. For $10 a month you can enjoy a standard membership and for $19.99 a month you can enjoy unlimited tanning as well along with a collagen replenishment treatment and massage chair.

5. Lots of stores have 50%-75% off sales. Among my favorites are Bath and Body Works, Hickory Farms, and Hot Topic where most denim will be 50% off.

The following picture really has nothing to do with any of this except that it was taken when I worked at the mall. I'm  including it because I'm young, thin, and hot in it. That will be all for today.

Elvis, The Incredible Hulk, and the Bedford Boys Walked into a Bar...

Monday: it's what's for dinner.

Actually it's the day that we return to work--Garfield hid from it's shadows as if it were Doomsday incarnate. And that's why I feel Robin Alexander should name one of their martinis "The Garfield"--because Robin Alexander has a martini for darn near everything else.

Monday Madness is out there folks. It's real. It's real and it's happening. And it's soliciting a taxi.

I've known for quite some time that Robin Alexander has an extensive martini list. After all, the Screw Crew and I celebrated my birthday there last year (I'm still getting over the fact they let Tomeca have the party room and not me but I'm assuming that's because she's black and they haven't discovered I'm black yet) with a margarita themed (please see last blog) matching Lolita glasses for all my guests. Little did I know until today, some genius at large has developed Monday Madness, leaving you with more money in your pocket and more sugar and vodka in your tummy.

And God knows, I love a good theme.

Robin Alexander's martini list is so extensive, it's divided into categories. You may prefer a chocolate selection, perhaps a fruity combo, maybe you'll wander over to the cocktails with a nod to the traditional and non-traditional candy. There's more. It's quite fascinating.

(Pop Rocks Martini)

I've only just begun but so far I've had the pleasure of having the Pop Rocks martini (they stole my margarita idea but I'm going to let it go...I'm going to let it go...), Dirty Monkey martini, and Grapefruit martini. Some of their martinis resemble rock stars, TV shows, or historical figures (local even--impressive) and a few have movie titles like James and the Giant Peach or Silence of the Lambs (one of Screw's favorites).

(Dirty Monkey)

So whenever you have a Miserable Monday, punch your time card and head on downtown to Robin Alexander. I'm going to make it a tradition. 

2011: The Best of Screw Lucy (Giveaway)

The year started off the way any year should. We spent another birthday slicing into a gnocchi cake from M.A.D. crafted cakes along with a generous portion of cannoli. I can't tell you how close I came to keeping it all to myself. Our dear and faithful friends from The SCrew Crew came over to celebrate (and take my sweets....my precious...)

(I think Erik is holding a rodent of some sort...)

We got down and dirty at Fort Hill Bowling Alley every Senior Day with Karen Lisle (not a senior) and the Screw Grandmother. Freddie Smith, veteran bowler and bread maker (literally and figuratively) assisted us during a few games, until Screw Grandmother got an injury and had to call it quits. She now enjoys providing heating pads for under privileged dogs.

It pleased The Screw to venture out into the areas of town that don't usually accommodate her geographically. I found my first reward off Timberlake where I discovered, not another buffet, but a restaurant offering a lovely selection of Vietnamese Pho:

(Otani has now become Pho Saigon)

What a welcome addition to the generic Chinese and Japanese restaurants in town for Asian cuisine. Now if I could just get past those waxy, rice paper, egg rolls...

I got my vintage on at several class acts including The Shops at Ashcroft and From Shabby to Chic. I'll be pleased when I'm small enough to fit into vintage clothing.

I lived vicariously through a few Black Water Rollers, and did not live vicariously through native Altavista residents as I started a new job, only thankful that they offered nearby comforts such as the Dairy Freeze and Altavista Vineyards (although I didn't visit the vineyard during working hours...I really wanted to though).

 (They aren't rose colored. They're Rosé colored.)

Then there was more cake as we celebrated Screw Grandmother's (a.k.a. Mamasan) 86th birthday with--you guessed it--more cake. And guess who we went to? It's on a triple points square and it starts with M and ends with D:

(Yes this is a cake.)

Then of course, there was the Underground Supper Club. I visited my first--a Mardi Gras theme. Meeting new people, eating marvelous food, drinking. What more is there in life, really?

I got a makeover with Danielle from my Mary Kay rep (and bowling partner) Karen Lisle, walked the trails of Blackwater Creek, and on tough days, met my girlfriend Kim at Mi Patron for margaritas. I made it through a quarter of the menu. And said,"It was good." Then I rested...

(I don't think I'll ever achieve more than an Ivory 5)

(Lilly, accustomed to the heating pad...and lots of treats)

(spinach enchiladas)

...and then came Barrett's birthday, which meant, of course, time for more M.A.D. Crafted Cake:

Spring turned into Summer and we were happy to move Danielle and Charlie into their farm in Big Island. I stopped at Mitchells to get chicken and spent time inside, supporting others who don't mind smelly animals, heat, and bugs. We introduced Melissa and Eric to Hickory Hill and enjoyed another Underground Supper Club where I got to be me and eat with my hands. Pure bliss.

(As you can see, I also visited Brushy Mountain.)

(Trying to act all classy 'n whatev.)

(I tried to belch a lot so people would leave and I would have more.)

I was so happy to see my Facebook friends David and Bonny at the Peaks of Otter Wine Festival. Then I had my birthday at Robin Alexander. And guess what we did.

(The answer is C. Ate More Cake)

I never knew I could love leftovers so much until I visited Jimmy on the James. We all said a sad goodbye to Bill's Pastry, and realized that yes, Perky's really is worth waiting over an hour for. Of course, I had connections who knew better and made reservations.

(That's totally a swan.)

Summer faded into fall--my favorite. I got intimate with Forest, Virginia as I frequented Pints 'O Plenty and Aylors, and prepared for the Festival season.

(Garlic Festival 2011)

During Christmas time I appeared at a lot of Christmas parties and attended Tab O'Neal's new gallery opening, then got a great peppermint drink from Clam Diggers along with raw oysters. I also got to know the girls from 309 Winery.

All in all, a good year. But I look forward to even more this year as I enter new shops and restaurants and meet people, good and bad, who will really, really like me, call me names, and honk their horn at me so they can yell at me about the sticker on my car.

And at the end of the day, I'll sit back and have a glass of locally produced milk...

...and eat some cake.

If you would like to win a dozen cannoli from M.A.D. Crafted Cakes, it's simple! To be eligible you must live in the Lynchburg area:

1. Leave a comment on this post.

2. "LIKE" M.A.D. Crafted Cakes on Facebook.

3. "LIKE" your favorite cake from M.A.D. Crafted. 

That's it! A winner will be chosen at random by 9 p.m. January 7th. Good luck!

What the Huevos Do I Know?

I was overjoyed to have my Uncle and Cousin in town from Charlottesville for the weekend. My cousin is a 13-year-old male, so the first night into town we had to go visit the Halloween store that opened up in Candler's Mountain Station (I could mention my age and sex, but I really wanted to go because I love everything about Halloween, especially dressing up as other people and wearing excessive amounts of makeup).

We decided to go to The Dollar Theater to see "Devil" which my cousin had mentioned wanting to see on the way down (no one ever goes to see horror with me). We had time to kill so we went to Pueblo Vejo to get a margarita and a Coke and Crown Royal (my Uncle is a huge Crown Royal fan).

He exclaimed the drink was JUST like he would have fixed it. He also informed me that this was only his second time going to a Mexican restaurant in his life because he never knew what to order.

My jaw dropped. I just could not IMAGINE only having been to a Mexican restaurant ONCE in your LIFE!

After assuring him we would go visit multiple Mexican locations I started to ponder whether or not this occurrence was typical of a certain age or demographic. Could it be? In other towns, there are other people, who have rarely--perhaps NEVER--been to a Mexican restaurant?

Now, I'll fight you about the best Mexican restaurant in Lynchburg. I've had a love affair with Mi Patron for years. The people are nice and friendly (not WAY TOO FRIENDLY like other local establishments that will go unnamed...ahem...), the atmosphere is clean, and most importantly, of course, the food is quite good. What I like about Mi Patron is that their salsa is not watered down and boring--it's full of cilantro (I'm a big fan) and onion, not to mention garlic and of course tomato. The sauces in the various dishes don't remind one of tomato soup (another problem with some Mexican restaurants that will continue to go unnamed). They have a bold appeal that does not override the flavor of the food.

There's also that birthday I'll never forget...



Moving on.

After my astonishment at my Uncle Darrell's lack of South-of-the-Border cuisine I started to think about my own experiences. In other words, I wondered if I was missing out on something by not going a little further.

Don't I almost ALWAY get the Vegetarian B or the Lunch Combo 9? Am I really, truly branching out myself? Can you SAY you've been to McDonalds if you haven't tried the Big Mac, Chicken Nuggets, and have never ventured out onto the McPlayground with the McGerm infested children?

Are you truly a Mexican Restaurant fan if you have never ordered anything besides combos? Seriously folks. This is a serious question.

My Uncle loves steaks. LOVES it. Do I have the audacity to take him to a Mexican restaurant if I've never even ordered a steak strip dish, let alone a whole steak, from the menu? Have YOU seen the Huevos Ranchos on every, single Mexican restaurant you've been too and, like myself, passed over it wondering,"Who ever orders THAT?"

Do you know who orders that, people? Mexicans. True blooded Mexicans. And people who are not in a little, shameful combo box like myself. That's who. THAT'S who...

Do we really know what a tamal is? Isn't it missing an -e at the end?!

Did we KNOW that there is more to dessert than Fried Ice Cream? Has anyone ventured out into flan territory? These are the important questions...

Is it REALLY politically correct to have an "I've BEAN to La Carretta" bumper sticker on your car?!? Am I going to get fired for talking about any of this?!

All that to say this: the next time you catch me at a Mexican restaurant I will be ordering from the part that does not involve numbered selections.

If you don't feel you're quite prepared to visit your own local restuarant yet, feel free to enter the Old El Paso Giveaway at Mommy Goggle's site. It should be just the thing to get you started.

And if you're having a birthday at Mi Patron any time soon...don't say you weren't warned.

Autumn Batter: A Pinch of Leaves, A Dash of Woodsmoke

Autumn--it's a season that has always had an almost narcotic affect for me. Emotions run high, woodsmoke fills the air, festivals abound.

And then there's the food. Buttery, rich, warming comfort foods served during some of the most popular holidays. I've made my own list of favorites with ease:

1. Carmel apples, simply made at a pumpkin patch or the fancy kind drizzled with nuts or chocolate.

2. Brunswick stews, compiled by a community on a hot fire, in a big black cauldron.

3. Butternut squash soup, homemade with local produce and fresh cream.

4. Turkey casserole, made from leftover Thanksgiving centerpiece.

5. Grandma's pumpkin pie, with a big dollop of whipped cream.

6. Egg nog.

7. Gingerbread men.

8. Aunt Bee's coffee ring.

9. Wassail.

10. Thumb print cookies.

From October-December there are endless possibilities to only enhance the autumn/winter experience.

Even for those who don't cook or bake on a daily basis, this time of year is an easy excuse to entertain. Some twenty-something are just starting out, and didn't have the blessing of having mom or grandma around to teach them the tradition of family recipes. Others like me, have the family recipes hoarded away in the pantry and bring them out with pride to share with their new blended family. I like to add my own little traditions as an individual starting out with new family possibilities.

Some of my favorite cook books are local, some come from mom and pop businesses, and some are so well known they have been a favorite for decades.

Food to Die For" is a book locally published by author Jessica Ward, and if you're looking for something a little different, needless to say, this cookbook is for you.

In this book, you can find all sorts of old fashioned recipes, including anecdotes, and etiquette and it's all based on Lynchburg's landmark, the Old City Cemetery. With a historical and Gothic flair, this books gets "boo" thumbs up!

Gooseberry Patch is a company that has been sharing it's Mom and Pop recipes for over 25 years and their design takes me back to my great-grandmother's kitchen. Not only do they have an entire section of autumn-themed selections, they also provide unique organizational options like a calendar and coupon organizer.

To win a copy of one of their cookbooks you can visit www.jollymom.com

I don't feel correct about ending a cookbook blog unless I mention the Betty Crocker Cookbook. It's the image that comes to mind when I think "cookbook."



What are some of your favorite autumn recipes or bizarre cookbooks?

Diary of an Angry Fat Woman May 10th

It's easy to cut out breakfast when you sleep 'til noon.

Anyhow.

For lunch I relied on a staple I've been having--canned tuna with a tablespoon of ranch, a bit of garlic, and a cheese slice. Then I had some of my cheese cake treat.

I was pretty proud of my dinner. I went to Pizza Hut (where I have connections) and fixed a minimal lettuce, extra cucumber salad with a Diet Pepsi.

Erik has been talking about how using an exercise ball increases good posture and burns more calories.



On a wind down walk we visited the new cafe in town Trade Winds Cafe and picked up a menu.

There would be carbs in my future this week...

Diary of an Angry Fat Woman May 9th

Mother's Day. Cheers to celebrating another year of being childless. I'm serious about that--I don't want them right now. I'm content to admire other people's kids. For now I only have the stretch marks induced by a rushed puberty and gaining weight.

Which is the introduction into this blog. Good for me.

Mother's Day started off great although I think I was still asleep while at the breakfast table. Erik's dad made breakfast for everyone (Erik has a family I will be happy to marry into) which included eggs with vegetables mixed in and bacon. I was good--I passed on the homemade raspberry jam and biscuits.

I wasn't TOO worried about lunch which would be grilled on the BBQ. I don't know about anyone else, but those little red weenies are the best (as long as you don't tell me what's in them). I have a cheeseburger with onion and lettuce on a grilled mushroom bun. As long as you like mushrooms, it's a great sub!



(Thanks to Goodhousekeeping.com for the image)

I also had the hot dogs without a bun dipped in sour cream and chopped onions (SOUNDS gross but actually pretty darn awesome).

For exercise, Erik and I walked down one of the up-and-down roads in Gretna. My shins are still hurting. Because of the exercise I didn't mind treating myself to strawberry shortcake and I found out that Cool Whip Sugar Free only has 1 carb per 2 tablespoons! That's going to be great with my Mock Cheesecake recipe!

I don't recommend this, but when I got home I couldn't resist weighing myself.

I've lost 9 pounds. I'm at 175.