SCrewper Weekend Series: Shakin, Not Stirred

SCrew Lucy shook it up this weekend with a collaboration of trekking and trifling. You should've been there but you were too busy not reading my blogs or following me on Facebook. Either stop being a jackoff or quit complaing about how bored you are and how there's nothing to do around here blah blah blah.

My first SCrew trip of the year was to none other than Charlottesville, Virginia where health care is better, no one carves their university initials into mountains, and bands play their own music instead of covers in order to assure that no poor white trash shows up screaming,"Play some SKIN-NARD!" Consequently, it's also so I won't elbow my way to the front to request Def Leppard in an embarrassing attempt to relive my twenties. 

Which naturally follows into the introduction to my SCrewper Weekend.

I really don't want to be one of those people who go on and on about how the "young people's" music these days doesn't compare to when I was a teenager since Grunge was the last epic music available. Of course, I was somewhat miffed that Grunge killed Hair Metal and I can't remember what killed Grunge since I was mostly drunk or high from 1999-2003 (just kidding Mom--I was actually just locked in a basement) but I do know that my first reaction upon hearing and viewing Mumford and Sons is to say and viscerally feel,"Psh. Those little wafer loafs don't know anything about REAL music."

And then I feel ridiculous because I know so little about music of any kind that I'm embarrassed to be around musicians...or I would be if I didn't have a ridiculously imbalanced idea of my own personal value as a human being. So I'm quite content to respond to any young musical talent with,"I hate the Beatles and I think Prince sucks it big time."

Really, though. Prince? Gross. I can't think of anyone I hate more besides Elton John.

Please identify your ability to continue reading this blog with humor or determine that you and I can never communicate ever again. In addition, I also hate The Rolling Stones and Lady Gaga (my annoying, middle-age scruples will not allow me to like someone who has so obviously poached songs from Madonna although I never liked Madonna either and Madonna ripped off someone from the seventies).

So I subscribed to Paste and Rolling Stone a long time ago and started listening to hip and with-it albums. So last month, when I read about the new video release from Swear and Shake and discovered they would be in Charlottesville at The Southern, I was all like,"I have to go find some old 1980's skates and find out what a hipster girl looks like so I can go to this show and look like I fit in."

I will just tell you that whether or not you like this genre of music (Indie Folk) this video is bad ass and one day I will star in one just like it except I'll be in a Rockem Sockem match with Prince.

I have a girl crush on the lead singer mostly because I want to steal her hair in the middle of the night.

I couldn't find any pictures of The Southern online that helped me know what kind of establishment I was getting myself into, so I did you a favor and took some. I was imagining some smokey dive from the reviews online. Instead, I discovered a comfortable environment without annoying college students (note the "annoying"--there were college students and I learned a lot about YOLO from the lot of them), smoke, cramped seating, bitchy waitresses, or filth.

Instead, the food is far beyond standard, the patrons are a mix of hipsters, college preps, older people (like, older than me old) and, again, non-annoying people. Of course, we didn't stay late and I heard rumors of someone being escorted out, but all in all, I was all like, cool.

We didn't stay to see The Currys, but they were not-annoying too. I was just too tired and cold to endure being awake any longer.

It was really, really cold this weekend.

So anyway, I started by ordering the beet salad with a cranberry seltzer to drink. They have local beer, including Grateful Ale from Starr Hill, but I was designated driver this evening (Screw responsibly). 

I know beet salad is made with spinach and arugula, red onion, sunflower seeds and orange vinaigrette. You may want to nix the red onion because it was a little excessive. Next, I decided the Smokey Dokey sounded different enough to try: smoked sweet potato, onion jam, braised kale, and classic slaw. Although slaw was already on the sandwich, I couldn't resist order the blue cheese and apple slaw since I adore blue cheese. Then, since two sides were offered, I passed on the braised kale for the rosemary chips.

Then I was all like...

I also discovered a business this weekend called Shaking Hands Productions. If you cut through all the trappings, this business makes a movie preview out weddings for rich people. If I had enough money to pay the fee that starts at around $3500, I would start my priceless film memory with a viper green "THE FILM ADVERTISED HAS BEEN RATED R" warning and it would just continue to climb to heights of hilarity from that point forward.

I'm sorry, as previously mentioned I don't do precious. My "trash the dress" ideas end at wearing a prom dress in a bog holding a machine gun with Foster the People playing in the background. I know. I'm kind of manish.

Finally nothing would complete a SCrew weekend without a theme centered primarily on food so I thought and thought and thought some more, then decided that out of all the local places to go for a milkshake, I would choose V&T's Grill because it had been a while. They have Hershey's ice cream. They have pies. They have coffee. They have food. They have my patronage. 

I decided to make one of their sundaes into a milkshake. At first, the waitress attempted to insist that it would not be in my best interest to do this, however after I guaranteed her that payment would be received whether I liked it or not, she promptly brought my chocolate cherry milkshake (with real cherries, real chocolate, and caramel) and I enjoyed the ever-loving hell out of it.

Here is a raspberry truffle sundae:

Since I cut sugar from my diet something like this is five hundred seventeen times as desirable and also like crack.

Stay tuned in February for the next SCrewper Weekend...

The Best of 2013 According to Some People I'll Offend Part I

Once upon a time I used to be afraid of offending people because this is a relatively small town but then I realize that I don't have to open my mouth for strangers to dislike and judge me and also that I've probably already pissed off the wrong people anyway.

Therefore, here's my opinion about the most recent Lynchburg Living Magazine's "Best of Insert Any Year Because It Never Changes Anyway." My review is completely trustworthy seeing as how my opinion is the most important and I hate all the people you should hate. Also you must remember that I know a lot of people around town, I know what happens in their business, their dirt, who they know, what they know, how they did it, and that time at band camp with you know who and I probably know you too even though you don't know me. But I don't tell my secrets. Otherwise, who would tell me anything ever again? But rest assured I have informants.

If we could just start with the best restaurant, that would be great.

I don't have any feelings of ill will for Waterstone, but seriously, it is not the best locally-owned restaurant in town and to assert such a ludicrous fable speaks to the audience who took the time to fill out the survey. It's an ok restaurant, with fine pizza and acceptable beer, but it's too crowded and the last time I patronized the restaurant, our waitress who was all of 18 acted like a bitch because obviously, we were not her target audience.

The runners-up are a more suitable selection. Jimmy's on the James and Isabella's offer far more in the categories of ambiance, fare, and originality.

I will also note that Waterstone won in the "Best Atmosphere" and "Best Pizza" divisions and although I've already spoken to the ambiance factor, I'm very glad that it beat out Rivermont Pizza. Among the people that I hate are hipsters and kids from the 03 who dress like homeless people yet own $500 sunglasses and have never worked a day in their lives. I also dislike slow service and annoying bands.

Best winery went to Rebec Vineyards because they host the Garlic Festival (aka Stinky Drunk Fest) and people in this area still know next to nothing about local wines. If wines in this region were judged on quality and atmosphere, Altillo Winery and Leogrande would have easily gotten a nod but since people still drink Moscato and think it's the bee's knees (this is not a reference to mead) then they go with who they know. However, I love Danny Johnson and Peak's Winery and the wine and folks at Hickory Hill are beyond amicable, so I can't really be upset about this category.

You will note the best cultural events center around alcohol. I cannot argue with that.

I don't care about golf, have no strong opinion about live theater, and am tickled pink that Liberty University was not mentioned in the "Best Tourist Attraction" category along with their atrocious bald spot on the mountain.

Let's skip the great outdoors because I don't care.

I am biased about the best auto service because I go to my friend at Harris Tire so I won't mislead you there, although you are more than welcome to read my scathing review of Billy Craft Chrysler Jeep on Yelp since they can suck it. The only thing I can say about Forest Automotive is that I love their Christmas display.

I have only stayed at one Bed and Breakfast in town and it is quite lovely, but what they say about the hostess is true--she has a chip on her shoulder and they aren't overly hospitable but I think they're from the North so what can you expect? Just kidding, Yankees. Actually, I'm not but I like yous guys anyways.

I don't shop around town for clothes but that speaks to my own body and not price or quality. I have big boobs and long legs which is the only reason some of you are reading this blog.

A bunch of other categories that I also don't care about followed clothing stores: banks, thrift shops, spas, florists, law firms. I don't care about any of this. Do you? I guess you do if you own a bank, a spa, or a law firm.

I won't say anything about best photographer because I am particularly snarky about this subject. It's not because I'm a photographer. It's because I can't stand precious, hokey pictures of couples, babies, and other things that are not endearing to me at all. I'll take a photo of a duck over one more chalkboard picture any day.

Fusion deserves the best salon. Dorothy Carson is dope and so is her crew. The end.

The best travel agency is Rejuvenation Vacations and I'm only saying that because they like my posts on Facebook. I have never booked travel through any agency because I'm poor and clueless. But if they book my trip to Los Angeles and do a good job, I'll certainly share the experience (this was a shameless attempt at discount services).

The thought of a wedding gives me a headache so I'll pass on wedding venues.

Wellness. Here is my opinion. Health care here sucks. If I expound upon this I'll go on and on and on so I'll stop now.

I see that Dragonfly beat The Worx--finally. I am not familiar with either but I like Blackout because I know for a fact their lead singer is a decent person, plus they're talented.

I'm starting to note that all I do in town, so it seems, is eat, drink, and form opinions about others...

The Top Ten Reasons to Stay at the Craddock Terry

As far as I can determine from personal experience, The Craddock Terry is the best place to stay when visiting Lynchburg. I searched and searched for reasons not to like it, but by golly, I couldn't find any.

(this is me trying to find reasons in a lamp post)

On this particular evening, we would enjoy a night with our friends (K-Dub included) at Waterstone Pizza, which is connected by elevator to the hotel. Waterstone serves it's own craft beer and artisan pizzas so, if you aren't served by bitchy, unpleasant waitstaff like we were, it's a likable atmosphere.

1. Their staff is attractive, friendly, and knowledgeable. 

2. You get a free shoe cookie.

3. The beds are the most comfortable I've ever slobber on.

4. There is a unique shoe adornment on every door.

5. If you leave the shoe box outside your door, you get breakfast that includes a delicious croissant.

(I don't eat brie. Gross)

6. If you leave your shoes outside the door, they shine your shoes.

7. The gift shop is open 24 hours and you can buy local wine. And aspirin.

8. The shower. The. Shower.

9. The bathroom tissue is tied with red ribbon.

10. They call you when you leave your leather jacket there and then offer to ship it.

A Journey Through Lynchburg Through Pizza

I am offering a little history of my pizza knowledge through my experience in Lynchburg. I'll begin by asking a question--what is the first "pizza parlor" you remember in town?

I have a few memories of pizza places that are no longer with us.

I think that my first memories were of Pizza Hut on Memorial Avenue. I remember when they had a video came with one of those ball controllers. I also remember the toys from Land Before Time and The Rocketeer.

I also remember when Little Caesar's Pizza was off of Memorial Avenue where Food Land and Kathryn's Avon is located. They had the old arcade games Joust and Tron. We would pick up pizzas for youth group and children's church back when teenagers seemed so old to a seven-year-old SCrew.

 (the colors in Tron were mesmerizing)

Then of course we had Showbiz, which, near the end of it's legacy, unveiled headless, animetronic robots which were hilarious to older children and horrifying to the little ones.

(my brother and I at my seventh birthday party)

Later on, one of my first jobs was at Planet Pizza off 221 in Bedford County and at Salvatore's on Timberlake Road which eventually turned into several other restaurants of varying success. I can tell you Sal was one mean sonofabitch, who started--if I'm not mistaken--off of Memorial Avenue in what is now a Class Vogue 'N Studio. During my brief stint at a Bible College (concentration camp) in Christiansburg, I used to drive the two hours home after works some nights just for the familiarity of home and the garlicky calzones.

(back when I was a Tommy Girl)

Now I'll tell you a few things about Domino's:

1. The Domino's on 221 is stellar. As far as chains are concerned, Domino's is probably your best option for fast delivery, good customer service, quality product, and cleanliness. The best store besides 221 is the relatively new one in Downtown Lynchburg.

2. The two guys that run most of the stores are alpha males and at least one of them is a huge dick.

3. Rich people who live in Forest are some of the worst tippers ever.

4. No one wants to deliver to VES for a variety of reasons I don't feel that I need to explain.

5. Senator Steve Newman is a good tipper. He tried to hire me to work for him while I was still in High School. Wasn't that super nice of him?

It's interesting that I have such visceral feelings about local pizza establishments. All you have to do is read my polarized Yelp reviews and you'll determine that pizza affects me very deeply. 

I would also like to add that visiting Memorial Avenue Pizza Hut is more than likely an experience you'll never forget. If any past employees or current employees would like to share stories about 101 ways you can save a pizza or any number of the extremely ghetto customers who have passed in and our of your doors, please do. 

 

Hurt Series: Yazamatos

I like Asian food, but it's not something I typically crave. This particular Saturday afternoon however, my SCrew Crew cohort K-Dub advised me that she would prefer some Japanese food.

Per my diet, I didn't indulge in any yum-yum sauce nor steak or shrimp with rice, but I did order edamame (excellent for dieters since, like fresh artichokes, you spend so much time peeling the pods that you burn calories as you enjoy) and spring rolls. K-Dub invested her time in having a few vegetables and rice with her yum-yum sauce.

It doesn't take a genius to realize this used to be an Italian restaurant.

However, I did feel that the landscape was sort of reminiscent of the locality. Farms and hay and such.

 The important thing to note is that this establishment has been popular with locals for at least a few years and that it was in this very restaurant that SCrew Lucy tried her very first Sriracha. 

It's not that hot and goes great with spring rolls and rustic scenery.

Hurt Series: Pieces of the Paradox

At times, you'll discover establishments that are unfortunately positioned. For instance, upon visiting Downtown Lynchburg, you'll note that the ABC store is located directly across from a drug rehabilitation center. Other venues may simply be coincidental or even advantageous, such as a BBQ restaurant next door to a Synagogue or a Weight Watchers next door to a buffet.

In Hurt, Virginia, you'll find a church called "Let Go of the Pain" Ministries. This is a picture of me, letting go of the pain and/or just being a pain in general:

Here is a letter from the pastors that I obtained from their website:

Let Go Of The Pain Ministry is ordained by God to deliver those who have struggled with pain that life has afflicted upon us from death, self-hurt, relationships, church, rape, and being molested from those that we love and those we don’t know. We even blame God from time to time for things that have happen to us. But God has a plan and the devil is defeated because he has taught us that there is an answer to our hurt and pain, and we as a people do not have to carry such a weight around anymore.

       Through experience with such pains we as a church family have been chosen by God to reach out to the people of this land to assure them that they can be free of the devil’s plots and tactics.
       We invite you to come visit our ministry each Sunday and Monday, and give God praise for what he has and will do in your lives as he has done in ours. Let Go of the Pain.

Thank you and God bless you,
Pastors Apostle Robin and Bishop Donnie Cook
Let Go Of The Pain Church Family

I took it upon myself to highlight the portions I felt were most important.

I don't know much about this ministry but what I do know is that they are located next door to a place called PCES. What I know about PCES is the following:

1. PCES is not missing the first portion of their business lettering. 

2. The owner did not misspell "Pisces." 

3. The name is pronounced "pieces" and the owner hails from New York.

4. The name reflects upon any of number of numerous "pieces" you can purchase so you will not match anyone else at the club. There is no club in Hurt that doesn't involve special, homemade uniforms, if you know what I mean.

5. They have crazy shoes and shiny pants, but no wigs. 

The reason I know all this is because I went in and talked to the owner who was reserved at first, but then delighted in divulging a few nuggets of wisdom:

1. Catholics are evil.

2. We must go to other sources for our history--not just the Bible.

3. Kemet is an ancient Egyptian religion that people are apparently still practicing.

("incontrovertible" means "undeniable")

4. Healers in Africa have been known to stave the effects of A.I.D.S. and healings have been recorded. 

5. HAARP: because winter wonderlands are the new global battle zones.

What you really need to know, is that they have meetings at this place and I totally plan on going. I hear there's a film night playing a documentary called Contradiction which actually seems intriguing:

According to IMDB, Contradiction addresses the paradox of churches in African American communities coupled with the abundance of societal ailments and explores if there is a correlation between high praise and low productivity. 

So my question is, do the pastors and members of "Let Go of the Pain Ministries" know that there is a convert ripe and ready next door?

 Where you saw a parking lot with a Japanese/Italian restaurant in a dilapidated, old strip mall, The SCrew saw an opportunity to bring two worlds together. Is it possible or desirable to visit the Kemet buffet and drop our spiritual weight off in the sanctuary next door?

The SCrew will find out. 

Emily Kathryn Boutique (Altavista)

I read the article about a new boutique in Altavista and my first thought was,"There won't have anything there for people over a size 10."

And that may actually be the truth but I'm not complaining any longer since losing weight because I actually am a size 10 and it no longer bothers me. I can scoff at the size 12's until I eat a cheeseburger and my hips start rising over my jeans like a proverbial muffin.

Meanwhile, this shop is a little on the cute, conservative side for me in attitude but hey--that's ok. The SCrew can adjust.

Especially when a boutique in Lynchburg would offer the same items for at least twice the price. No offense, oh dear hometown, but Altavista--although reeking of rotten fruit at least several times a month--has far superior prices.

Watch this video and feel the ambiance.

Extremely not me at the core, but I liked the clothes--and did I mention they're shockingly affordable? Here are several items that caught my eye:

1. Owl rings and other accessories (under $10)

2. A  Grecian goddess inspired backless dress (under $30)

3. A plaid and black lace shirt (which confused my senses)

4. Bauble necklaces ($20)

5. A clearance rack full of shirts, one of which I purchased, less than $20.

Might I add the dresses fit--IN A MEDIUM--but there is no way a woman of my bust size can get away with a backless dress unless support it built in to the dress. Those "cup holder" things only really work for women who are a size C or less. 

Here is another sentimental video that I would never dream of requesting in a million years but is appealing to normal, precious people who don't find the following engagement photos amusing. 

Hurt Happens

There's a little place in a little county 45 minutes from Lynchburg that I get mixed up with other little places that are virtually impossible to distinguish from other parts in the same said country over the river or bridge or through the woods or hop left and stick your right leg in and out past McDonalds.

Obviously I'm talking about Hurt, Virginia.

In the grab bag of crazy that is SCrew Lucy, you may reach in and pull out a quality that looks something like this:

A child raised in urban America all her life, later exposed to a small town, running gleefully through the streets, amazed at rural people, places, and things. Driving on back roads, staring at people who live in houses that don't look like they should be lived in (but, as indicated by a local Gretna, "you can tell by the mowed grass and the firewood on the porch"), fascination at parking lots of abandoned strip malls that are home to two businesses and are run by the town's only people of color, an Asian woman and a black man--both of whom sell pipes that are emphatically "only for tobacco use."

I obviously deserve the disdain provided by my peers but I want to emphasize the fact that I make fun of all people equally and with the best of intentions--including myself.

That said, these types of towns are full of interesting things. Really. They are. For instance, both Stacy Compton and Ricky Van Shelton are from Hurt. The former temporarily owned a restaurant in Altavista and the later has his own dilapidated landmark advising residents and visitors that Hurt was at one time his home. Well, technically it's in Grit which is to the left of the tree up the road from the bridge by the old factory and half a stone's throw from Dooder's place.

Meanwhile, here is a song Ricky Van Shelton wrote about me:

Don't be quick to condemn me. Life turned me this way.

The next series of blogs will include my discoveries about Hurt. If you're from the area, please feel free to litter the comments section below with everything including, but not limited to, gossip about Stacy Compton and Ricky Van Shelton, gossip about people who are not Stacy Compton and Ricky Van Shelton, stories about people who have the last name of Shelton or Dalton (which is half the populace, by the way), your experiences or pictures growing up, and last but not least, inflammatory comments about me personally, still keeping in mind that life made me this way. 

And let me know if you've met Dooder.

Wednesday Nights: Abraham Launches a Journey Through the Bible

The last few months at The Lighthouse, we've been using seven men as an overview to the Old and New Testament.

When we started with Abraham, I was convinced it would only be an overview for me (since I often win at Bible trivia...against people who have little to no Bible training) but I was mistaken. I have learned a number of important facts, insights, and lessons while attending Bible study. It is refreshing to attend a church where you learn.

Here is an overview of what The SCrew learned and observed. If you're careful, you may find a significant point. Then, if you dare, you can challenge me to a game of Bible trivia.

Don't ever challenge the pastor to a game of Bible Trivia. It's not a good idea.

1. A third of Genesis is about Abraham.

2. Abraham is the first recorded tither. (Gen 14:20)

3. The "word of the Lord" first came to Abraham.

4. The first recorded healing was performed through Abraham.

5.  Abraham's covenant preceded the Law. (Gen 17:10)

6. Isaac was born 25 years after the promise of his birth.

7. The Angel of the Lord first appeared to Hagar.

8. God first refers to Himself as "El Shadai" to Abraham.

9. Abraham was likely a moon worshiper before he heard from the Lord. (Josh 24:1-3)

10. Noah was still alive when Abraham was on the earth.

SCrew Year Resolutions

I can hardly wait to tell you what I plan to do in the new year with every good intention, then fail miserably at half way through January!

Here goes, as you journey with me through the SCrew Year!

1. I resolve to drink my coffee black without sugar or cream.

The best way not to keep this resolution is to order any dark roast at Starbucks. Bitter, bitter, bitter. However, the most likely way to stick to this resolution is to order the French Toast roast at Joe Beans (you can actually taste the French Toast) or the regular coffee at Main Street Cafe in Altavista and then cheat once in a while by adding cream.

UPDATE:

( per January 16th) I have cheated once in a while by adding cream. I haven't added sugar and it didn't take long for me to get used to the idea although drinking coffee at the above mentioned establishments is much better than home.

2. I resolve to write more. Specifically, at least 15 blogs, in total, a month.

UPDATE:

(per January 16th) So far I have written seven if you don't count this one.

3. I resolve to stop smoking.

UPDATE:

(per January 16th) So far, so good. It's not the cancer or emphasize I mind so much. It's the wrinkles. Although, I wouldn't mind a husky voice...

4. I resolve to travel Virginia more.

UPDATE:

(per January 16th) Note to self: resolve to get a second job as well because you haven't been able to travel yet.

5. I resolve to maintain my weight goals.

UPDATE:

(per January 16th) The size I had only hoped to maintain falling off of me at The Craddock Terry. This will encourage more blogging about things like hiking, sports, and other rigorous activity.

Peanut Butter Oil and Cigar Balsamic Vinegar.

This weekend in Richmond I was on an episode of Crank Yankers, I took pictures in a museum after strictly being warned not to, and I drank a cup of fat. As usual, my awesome life twisted and turned right along with my stomach and my perfectly unusual nose.

Now, I left the choice of hotel up to Erik because if you were going to ask ME to pick a hotel I would not pick a hotel. What I WOULD do is pick a bed and breakfast which often costs way more than a hotel plus dogs. Sometimes I also pick hotels way outside my price range and then sit at the bar waiting to have a conversation with a total stranger about how hard it is to get good help. I really couldn't afford to do either of the latter because I'm poor yet highfalutin although if you're actually highfalutin for real then you should know how to spell highfalutin without spell check. That's all I have to say about that particular topic.

On another tangent I also have to say that there is a difference between a HOTEL and a MOTEL and we stayed at a MOTEL. This motel, which was a Comfort Inn, is in a part of town that is not exactly desirable albeit interesting in an urban mosaic type of way. It was $69 a night and I thought the lobby looked nice. But of course I reviewed it all on Yelp so there's not much more to say except that I had a slight Stephen King narrative in my head the entire time and getting locked out and the elevator sticking may have encouraged that particular brand of potential writing creativity, although I didn't write but had a few PG-13 dreams about a creepy guy at work which was possibly worse than an actual Room 1408 type of inspired story.

What I really wanted to do today was follow up about another preparatory blog I had written about The Olive Oil Taproom.

The Olive Oil Taproom is located in the Towne Center Shopping Center off of 250 in Richmond and is open every day with the exception of Monday.  We visited around 11 AM on Saturday and I learned a few nuggets of wisdom concerning olive oil:

1. If it's in a clear container, it ain't right. Olive oil, like hydrogen peroxide and beer need a dark bottle.

2. If it's dated "best buy" you best leave it alone. You go by the press date and know you've got a year and a half or two years maximum until it gets rancid.

3. Buy oils that don't claim product of more than one vicinity.

I personally had a ball. There are so many variations of olive oils and, like wine tasting, I was able to project my crazy taste buds into the flavors of, not only oils, but also balsamic vinegars. The pineapple was reminiscent of cigar and the lime was bit like licking a table after wiping it down with lemon Pledge.

However, on a serious note, I would have to direct you to the butternut squash oil. As an individual familiar with nut allergies, this oil smelled and tasted like peanut butter. What a wonderful opportunity for someone allergic to nuts! I bought a bottle for a friends whose children are allergic to nuts. You could combine the oil with an ice cream base to make a peanut butter dessert or even possibly fudge or another confection!

The Olive Oil Tasting Room was definitely a highlight of my weekend being that I am a foodie. I will be back to buy Christmas presents so that I can play a greasy kind of Italian Santa this year for all my Screw Crew associates.

Emerson Creek

When I was younger, I used to wander through Toys R Us wondering how adults could ignore the bliss of dolls, play sets, and games. Since I've become an adult (technically) I've realized you don't discard the old toys as much as you start to prefer new ones.

One of the items I cannot resist are dishes. The more artistic, the better. You're probably aware I like to cook and entertain, and what better way to flare your way into the hearts of foodies than than to serve up their risotto on local pottery?

Oxide Pottery offers some of the more unique selections, while All Fired Up allows you to create your own one-of-a-kind dish or bowl. However, my favorite place to purchase dinnerware in the area is Emerson Creek Pottery.

Located in Bedford, Virginia, Emerson Creek Pottery. The almost 200-year-old building houses 10 lines of ceramic pottery along with my favorite dining room accessories: tea pots for afternoon teas, shortbread pans for your tea biscuits, honey pots, dip coolers, cookie stamps, apple bakers--the list goes on.

You can stop reading now if pottery bores you. It excites me because it's the foyer into a lovely evening of entertainment and true dedication to hosting and serving.

Ok, I'd like to start with their patterns. The enduring Field of Iris design remains a classic and is an inspiration for a spring brunch littered with periwinkle blooms and Japanese cuisine.

Their local collection is my personal preference. Summer Peaks, Smith Mountain Lake, and my all time favorite--Blue Crab--are all reflective of our beloved Commonwealth. I would love to indulge in a seafood luncheon with this whimsical set of dishes:

Emerson Creek also makes plates for baby and personalized gifts. 

If you like, we can get to my favorites. I own a shortbread pan (it comes with the recipe), a tea pot, holiday cookie presses, and an oval serving tray. I love all my pieces, but I can't wait to get more to add to my collection.

There are so many more items on my wish list including the dip cooler, trivets, onion soup crocks, cookie jars and drizzle bottles.

Emerson Creek is the kind of company that makes you fall in love with the idea of tea parties, iced tea on the porch in May, and hosting cozy, intimate gatherings. 

 

 

Pendants with a Purpose

Many of you know I have partnered with and for many local businesses to support their products. Last year, we met Linwood Hoffman of DarkWater Jewelry. My friend Caren and I made the trip to Bedford, Virginia where we perused a couple of pieces until inspiration struck with this prehistoric piece I modeled last October. It sold within a few days and Linwood has grown his collection since.

We all know how things can change in a year. Unfortunately for my friend Caren, it has changed to include a legal battle in which her ex husband is fighting for full custody. DarkWater Jewelry is partnering with Caren to offer a large portion of the proceeds of jewelry sales to help Caren pay for her increasing attorney's fees.

You can click this link to become a supporter, donate, or offer encouragement. Here is Caren's testimonial:

Why should you donate?

I have had full custody of my 7 year-old son since his father signed it away in 2009. Despite his long history of substance abuse and a history of violence against me and verbal cruelty to me and to others, he has recently filed a petition for full custody- and my attorney's fees are racking up - right now, I owe about $11,000 in legal fees, and now have to retain a NEW attorney. I was recently laid off. PLEASE help in any way you can, even if that is only to spread the word to others that might help, or to pray for us.

 Linwood has offered five pendants and I'm certain that by getting the word out we can do what I've encouraged businesses and individuals to do hundred of times over the years--partner together to increase profit and awareness and above all community. 

The Lowly Peaks of Otter

Upon learning that the Peaks of Otter Lodge had reopened for the remainder of the summer, I felt it my Screw duty to mosey on up there to Bedford and see what I could see. With the promise of WiFi and cable, I felt certain a nature get-away was just the thing for a invigorating, overnight stay.

We're going to play a fun new game in which, when I'm about to be disappointed by something, you'll know by the precursor statement "oh, look at that." When you see the "oh, look at that" you'll know it's your clue for finding issues with any number of things. It's kind of like a game my mother played with me as a child when reading Richard Scarry's books. Mom, with a lofty excitement in her encouraging voice, goaded me to find Lowly worm with his cute little boot and hat and his mischievous, yet innocent countenance (that's right--he was my inspiration). Later on in Bible College I discovered by way of The Message (it's kind of like the hipster of Bibles) that his real name was Jacob. Only a select amount of people will get that joke and that's ok because it has nothing to do with anything we're talking about.

                                   (Lowly and his friends take the Sharp Top Bus Tour)

We arrive and wait in line for five minutes before I decide that I want to look in the gift store. Way overpriced, but that's to be expected. At least they had a few creative items like a cutting board and a few pretty ornaments.

I rejoined the line to learn that, oh, look at that, WiFi is not working and they cannot access or confirm any reservations. But that's ok because the people smart enough to know this would happen within the first few weeks of reopening stayed home to scoff at the News and Advance article on their laptop while watching their cable television.

Speaking of television, there was none. Either that or they are now so high tech that the wire sticking out of the wall was connected to an invisible television that only Lowly and his friends can see.

I'll take this opportunity to, with no apologies, make fun of you smug folk who make fun of people like me. You'll say something witty such as,"Why yes, that cable WAS connected to an invisible TV and it's called nature! Who would go to an establishment that is obviously nature centric and watch television? What have we become when the opportunity to breathe fresh air, commune with trees, challenge our physical, mental, and spiritual beings and to go back to our origins are compromised and sloughed off for the Kardashians? We need to turn off our cell phones and realize what we've become."

To that person I would first suggest they go find their proverbial lowly worm and second would confirm that I realize what I have become. I have become that person who enjoyed the quaint and rustic accommodations in theory until I realized the promise of electronics was bankrupt. The mountains are pretty and the vintage, campy room with the bottle opener on the bathroom door and the razor disposal built into the wall tile are super quaint but it gets dark at night, bugs are loud, and I'm not great at vandalism although I'm fairly competent in the field of petty theft. We have no cable at home, there's no television at all in the bedroom, and my ideal vacation evening is eating crackers and squeeze cheese in bed, in my underwear, while watching Nick at Nite.

Don't sit there in your condescending way and tell me that I could read, either. I am considerably well read. If you've been paying attention you'll note the Lowly Worm nod near the introduction.

We walked around the grounds for a while as I had already had a bottle of wine in an attempt to negotiate my feelings about the significant loss I experienced in coming to terms with the thought of paying for a hotel with no cable. I had convinced myself that we could procure an elderly couple that would come over to our room, eat squeeze cheese and crackers, and teach me some really quaint and charming old people game, but Erik said the way I get loud and thrash my hands about after drinking an entire bottle of wine would be a bit off-putting and regardless, oh look at that--no real games of any kind in the lodge except checkers and, oh look at that, I suck at checkers.


The next morning we made our way to the restaurant which was actually, very nice. It's very open and wooden with big windows and a lovely view of the mountains I wouldn't be climbing because of a combination of a hangover and a potential stomach ulcer. If you visit in autumn (which I may very well do as a second chance effort) I will say the bedding is very warm. I was hot all night, even though the air conditioner was working smoothly.

Breakfast was very affordable but I can't comment in length because, due to said stomach issue, I only ordered a bagel and yogurt although, oh look at that, they were out of grits. No Southern restaurant should ever be out of grits unless it's due to force feeding them down the throats of Yankees by the hundreds yelling,"YOU CAN'T PUT SUGAR IN GRITS YOU IDIOT!"

I'm just messin' with you, Yankees. You can put sugar in your grits. If you're a total chode.

This trip gets a Screw Lucy, "we'll try again." I do think it's an affordable local getaway for a number of ideals--let's say a new couple who enjoys nature and lots of physical activity, a women's church group getting together for worship and community (they have a small amphitheater with church services on Sunday), or a guy in his forties who egotistically poo-poos others for being too dependent on technology but then, oh look at that, can't stand himself after an hour alone.

The Screw: Extra Virgin and Custom Oiled

Aren't you sick of my misleading blog titels? I mean, titles. Sigh...why is The Screw so mischievous?

Anyway, The Screw is headed to a different type of tasting room the last weekend in August when headed to Richmond for some fine tasting and slipping around (I think I might be imagining that part, but then again, I'm very clumsy) at The Olive Oil Taproom. Upon browsing their olive oil I thought that it's probably best that I'm going back to school since the explanation of their products is reminiscent of science class. I suppose it's really almost an educational experience. But I'm fine with educational as long as it involves eating.

Now their infused oils were more like a menu: all herbs and lemon and butter and mushroom. I get the idea it's like a wine tasting except afterwards you don't get pulled over hours later by an Amherst County cop for a breathalyzer that will put you way under the legal limit yet require you to call a friend to come get you. That never happened to me.

Apparently there is some sort of scandal surrounding olive oil that I was too disinterested to read (Why do I feel so guilty saying that? Man, I guess it's good I'm going back to school) but I AM going to post this video of olive oil scandal guy because I fancy myself a dialect expert and I would put money on this guy is from Los Angeles or has lived there a long time. I could be wrong but I can't find out where he's from so we're going to assume I'm right.



So now I'm all sorts of off to read about what an olive oil tasting consists of and what kind of costume I should wear.

Bread and Breakfast

The Screw attempts to keep things local, personal, and chocked full of bacon, syrup, grits, and orange juice. That's why when I travel, I do my best to book by B&B.

I've been using BBOnline since I was in my mid-twenties (in other words, yesterday) and I've enjoyed their casual and comfortable approach to bed and breakfast marketing. It's sort of like being in your grandma's "full-yay" (foyer): you can take your kick off your shoes and take a load off before you settle in for an evening.

That's probably why they decided to highlight my wise and insightful observations about local bed and breakfasts for their blog this month--that and the fact that I'm The Screw and I'm as chock full of awesome as a homemade breakfast with biscuits, gravy, scrambled eggs, and Cap'n Crunch.

I obviously haven't eaten breakfast.

You can read the interview here. 

Screw the Weekend Edition: Bad Boy Botetout Trail

The Botetourt County Wine trail will lead you on like a bad boyfriend this month as it prepares for events that are unfathomably reckless in a excessively safe and elemental fashion.

Blue Ridge Vineyard is getting down like a bunch of barefoot hippies with the Fat Daddy Band August 10th. You can get down with my fave from the vineyard--Cab Franc--or Solstice in the painted bottle. Stay at the Santillane Bed and Breakfast for $110 and enjoy a large bedroom with working fireplace or stay at Fincastle Bed and Breakfast and Vineyard for $135 a night. Linger the next day if you like--I recommend the chardonnay and playing stick with the German Sheppard. There are also coasters that are a "must have" for any true wine lover.

Enter the next day and what you have is the opportunity to re-tree-hugger yourself with a Yoga Relaxation experience at Virginia Mountain Vineyard. A stretch, a breath, a taste--a 10% discount. Please purchase a bottle of the Holiday Spice and relive my favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life, as Clarence orders mulled wine--heavy on the cinnamon, light on the cloves:

Ernesto's

Mexican restaurants around here are kind of like churches. You learn what to expect and categorize them once you've been to a few. There are the restaurants with the hot sauce on the tables and the ones without. You have your restaurants with the white sauce in addition to the salsa. The salsa itself is really a good indicator of how your experience will progress.

Then you have your margaritas.

La Carreta likes to tell you how far superior their margaritas are to Mi Patron. This may be the case but if it weren't for the location being so tremendously convenient, I'd choose Mi Patron any day because of the superiority of the food. Their salsa is full of chunks of onion and cilantro. La Carreta's salsa is essentially ketchup with some spice. Plus you have the feeling there's extra tequila because they're trying to get you drunk and possibly abscond with you after work for a very lascivious siesta time.

Ernesto's is located in the old Swenson's part of the Plaza for those of you who have been long term natives. A few of you may remember going there after Sunday night church service. I distinctly recall three ice cream parlors in Lynchburg that harbor memories from childhood or High School: High's Ice Cream, Swenson's, and Billy Joes. None of them are around any longer. Swenson's reminds me of my cousin and church. He must have liked going there and I believe we did go after church. High's Ice Cream reminds me of my Grandfather since he took me there often (it was only a few blocks from the church he pastored) and I always ordered rainbow sherbert.We went to Billy Joe's often during High School and I have way too many stories to share most of which involve various best friends.

But let's stick to the new Mexican Restaurant.

The salsa was not good. There are a few reasons this may be the case. One, it's homemade and someone put in the wrong amount of pepper, because, you see, all you could taste was pepper. The second option could be they reuse their salsa and someone dumped a load of pepper into it. Let's just assume that's not the case. Third, they could just really prefer salsa that tastes like pepper. If there are other options, feel free to insert them.

The margarita, which was definitely not strong at all, came in a martini glass. If you have OCD this is the point where you would have needed to make an exit. I feel that all my liqueurs, drinks, wines, and beers, need to be in the appropriate glass, plus I like a lot of salt, but I decided it wasn't that big of a deal.

The establishment was clean, however, and I liked the color of the walls. It felt like more of a tropical Mexico with Mayan artwork and pineapple selections on the menu.

I also prefer Mexican restaurants that offer more than just the Speedy Gonzales (I find this dish's name offensive on many levels, perhaps the king of which is a menu item named after a rodent). When I see plantains, pineapple, and other more creative selections on the menu, I feel that they're trying to branch out and be their own unique class of Mexican (which doesn't work around here of course since this town often prefers the sheep mentality which results in dining with the herd--I could expound on this but you either know what I mean and you're offended or you're laughing). I ordered the quesadilla Texacana and Erik ordered the fish tacos (which I wanted but he ordered so, you know).

My thing was huge and as far as I know it was decent but I was so full of chips that I could barely eat it. The fish tacos I really liked. They arrived with a side of lime and chili sauce plus they were prepared with cilantro. Yum!

Ernesto's has a buffet Monday-Friday and on Sundays that sounded affordable, diverse, and healthy (fruit for desert, salad, etc).

I would be interested in trying other menu items when I'm very interested in having Mexican food that is more than just your taco and enchilada.