Thursday, December 27, 2012

These are a Few of my Least Favorite Things

As we are summarizing the year, many folk are making lists of resolutions. This year I will stop smoking, lose weight, be more positive--you realize what I mean.

This year, in light of my current depressed and lethargic mood that typically accompanies too much sugar, not enough sleep, and most importantly, an exorbitant amount of stress, I take great pleasure in another offensive blog underscoring the types of people that I cannot stand and who typically don't realize I am making fun of them to their face.

Of course those of you who know me, realize I'm typically too nice but on days like this when the crazy comes out, I just don't give a shit.

Here is a list, in no particular order, of the types of people I hate:

1. People who don't know how to drive.

I cannot count the number of occasions in which I have attempted to merge into traffic when no cars are coming, with the exception of the Sedan in the right lane who sees my turn signal from a mile away yet continues on in the right lane, even though the left lane would imply the zombie apocalypse has taken place since there is not a car in sight. I hate people who leisurely enjoy their time at newly-turned-green lights and those who go five to ten miles under the speed limit while I'm trying to arrive on time. I hate people who ride your ass when there are two lanes and they could easily pass you.

I especially hate people who ride your ass with their brights on. This particular circumstance occurred on a very dark road once while I was delivering a pizza. Mr. "I'm-making-up-for-my-incredibly-small-penis-with-this-ridiculously-large-lift-kit-truck" found that it was not as desirable as he suspected to ride my ass with his brights on (blinding me, by the way) since I casually flipped up my rear view mirror and drove 10 miles per hours for about 5 miles. Which brings me to my next hated person.

2. Alpha Males

I could write an entire book about this one, but I will attempt to keep this relatively brief. Alpha males are often confused with real men. Real men can be aggressive, full of testosterone, spit and fury. They can take charge as well as command. There is nothing wrong with this.

Alpha males, on the other hand, are men who are typically closet or open misogynists who either had a cowardly, dead beat father or a mother who spoiled them--or both. This is not a necessary condition but you'll often find it's a common factor in their history. It's also possible they had a misogynistic, Alpha Male father who instructed them on the ways of being an asshole.

I had a boss who was an Alpha Male. I'd be glad to share his name and work address if you're interested in seeing one in action. They are often in a relationship as, ironically, they cannot be without a woman and they choose women that appear to be independent but in fact, are not. They often flirt with or choose women who are significantly younger than they are since they are in reality threatened by women or anyone else who may resist their domineering mannerisms or positions. My afore mentioned boss would openly flirt with one of our teenage staff while engaged to his now wife. Alpha Males can do this because Alpha Males feel they have the right to do whatever they want--because they are Alpha Males and by god, they are in charge.

They will typically undermine their family or coworkers, humiliate others, and act inappropriately when threatened. You'll notice these are the men who use derogatory descriptions of others including but not limited to: men of another race, women, anyone else in authority.

They are also actually spineless dicks. God help you if you are forced to work with one, especially if you are a woman or--God forbid--you manage one.

3. Insecure women

I have seen this time and time again. A beautiful woman walks into a room and a group of women start bad mouthing her--what she's wearing, doing, who she thinks she is, etc.

In partnership with insecure women, I also cannot stand stupid women. If I was jealous of another woman, the last fucking thing I would do would be to make myself look jealous by talking about that woman. I would at least attempt to hide it by not saying a word or going an extra step to compliment her.

I am friends with several models. I am proud to be friends with these people because of who they are. I am not threatened by them. Everyone has something to offer--women need to learn that confidence is their best asset.

4. Men who stalk me on facebook and then leave rude comments on my posts.

I have had this happen on a number of occasions. I try to respect my family and friends who are straight laced Christians by not using the F word but I cannot understand "friending" a stranger, going out of your way to read all their posts, and then leaving comments that are obnoxious. Every single comment is rude, offensive, or undermining. It makes me want to just say,"Hey--you friended me you jerk so fuck off." But I don't because I'm nice, except in this blog.

On one particular occasion, one of these brands of stalkers made one final irritating comment and I used my sarcastic super powers to encourage him to delete me, which he did.

5. Women who friend me on Facebook and actually don't like me.

You know who you are. Why in the hell you follow me when we have mutual friends and I know what you've said about me behind my back is beyond me. You're the bad kind of crazy bitch. The reason that these women follow me is the same reason they hate me--I'm fascinating, interesting, and fabulous and they can't stand it, but they can't resist being voyeurs.

6. People who are abusive to others who they know cannot fight back.

This includes people who are mean to customer service representatives who would lose their job if they actually said,"I can't take this return because you've worn it and it stinks the same way that you do you nasty whore." It includes people who are mean to clergy in ways they would never be mean to anyone else. It includes people who say horrible things on the internet anonymously. It includes management who make underhanded and derogatory statements to their staff. Please see "Alpha Male."

7. Rich people who deny they are rich and then act just as rude and entitled as the poor people they complain about.

Not unrelated to these people are their children, who typically don't have real jobs, do massive amounts of cocaine and sleep with everyone in town. If you're rich and fucked up, that's cool. But don't be rich and fucked up and talk about us poor people like you are so much better. I know rich individuals who are so ridiculously entitled that they truly believe they are throwing you a bone by acknowledging that they know you. You're snobby and fake, and we who actually work for a living realize your ways and we laugh at you behind your back. True story.

8. People who belong to a political party, complain about aspects of the opposite party, and are so obviously guilty of the same shit.

I'll use an example for those of you who are not clear on this particular complaint. I have talked with someone who has filed bankruptcy twice in 10 years because they chose not to live within their means yet will go on and on and on about the national debt. Pardon me, but this makes no sense. You complain about government spending, but you have no personal control over your own finances and because you want to go on vacations you can't afford and buy automobiles outside of your budget, you are essentially never going to pay back your lenders--which in my opinion, is the exact same character issue.

I would be writing another book if I pointed out all the hypocrisy's of both political parties so I'll move on.

9. People who won't admit their children have issues.

This includes but is not limited to people who allow their children to act god awful in public and then make excuses for them on a consistent basis, people who will not admit their children have a mental illness because they are personally ashamed, and people who actually laugh at their children's bad behavior and encourage it.

This is another book subject but since I don't have children I'm afraid it will come back to haunt me.

10. People who think that every derogatory facebook status in the world is about them when they in fact have no idea who or what I'm talking about.

If it's about you and I made it, I'm pretty sure you'll know it's about you. Otherwise, please refer to number 3-5 and/or delete my ass.

These are a few of my least favorite things. If you have read this blog and see yourself in any of these please don't hesitate to comment, ask questions, or publicly blast me in a public forum. I welcome any and all publicity with the exception of nude photos and I'm fairly certain my Mother is the only individual in possession of those.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

4 Good Lessons "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" Teaches Kids: The Rebuttal

You should first acknowledge the difference between the Expressive and Analytic personality types. Erik is an Analytic: they tend toward the pessimistic outlook on life.

This carries over to Christmas movies. You may not have noticed, but some of the individuals in your life cannot tolerate Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. There are explanations for this aversion, but they can mostly be summarized by the following description--these movies are sad and depressing.

Well folks, despite what may underscore concerning these films, I will annihilate their logic with a very Screw Lucy blog from a very Screw Lucy perspective:

1. Santa, like most management, has serious issues.

Throughout the story of Rudolph, we observe a variety of problems that are true to real life. One, the big guy in charge has serious issues. He resists his loving wife who is obviously concerned about his image in business, he is clueless about the ins and outs of the industry of which he is ultimately responsible, and he blatantly ignores the concerns of the one individual that could make or break his company.

I beg the question: what conglomerate does not reflect this archetype? You have ignored a learning opportunity with your child if, while reflecting upon Rudolph's Santa, you haven't taken your precious child upon your lap to advise them that some day they too will have the opportunity to work for a guy in a suit that, while appearing ideal and accomplished to the general public, is in actuality slighting his family and ignoring the needs of the little people who have the skills and presence of mind to usurp his authority and "stick it to the man." This movie is not called "The Uprising of the Seasonally Skinny Santa." I think you get the picture.

2. Being different sucks in the beginning.

During a commercial break, your child may be slightly miffed or unsettled at the treatment Rudolph is receiving from Santa, Clarice, his family, and even the Elves. Please utilize this time to disclose to your child that most of the greats received a barrage of bullying during the earlier stages of their career. You may want to visit the pristine examples of Eminem and Bill Clinton. Eminem was beaten up, chastised by his mother, and survived a suicide attempt. In this child/parent moment you may want to examine a few key quotes by this successful and world famous rap artist. I recommend several relevant adages including,"I am whatever you say I am; if I wasn't, then why would you say I am?" and "I was poor white trash, no glitter, no glamour but I'm not ashamed of anything."

Bill Clinton was a fat kid known for his love of fast food and equally fast women. Perhaps you could revisit a few of his more well-known quotes when your child is older, including,"I did not have sex with that woman."

On second thought, we may want to leave Clinton out of this and go with Taylor Swift instead. You may encourage your child that she has produced many successful songs based on her moments of heartbreak, which I'm sure have nothing at all to do with any personality flaws.

3. Boring and unimaginative people don't appreciate you accentuating their crap.

This particular lesson is best exemplified in Hermey the Elf. He shared his dissatisfaction with his monotonous and conventional occupation only to receive backlash from his peers, who obviously knew they were incapable of the skills and ingenuity necessary to leave a dead end job. In the summary of the film, we notice Hermey reappears, only to graciously examine his former coworkers teeth that have been rotted by excessive amounts of candy, which the elves could only afford through the paltry wages afforded by Santa the slave driver. Here is an excellent coaching tool for your unique and ambitious child to demonstrate a moment of truth: people don't like others who do not bow to the drone mentality of the commonplace.

4. The moral of the story: freaks will realize their superiority and use their solidarity against their oppressors.

In the end, we see that Santa's level of perception and character has not changed a bit. Rudolph returns from his brave and courageous journey a better buck, having rejected normalcy only to find community, challenge, and calling. Santa is still repulsed by his nose, yet in a moment of rare clarity, recognizes he may use his former employee's perceived malady to his own cunning and conniving success. I assure you, folks--Rudolph is not getting holiday pay here. He, after all, did not work the day before AND after the holiday.

However, Rudolph is not being used. No sir. Rudolph realizes that sometimes in business you have to manipulate the Big Man to truly benefit the people. He presents himself as an humble and honorable candidate for Santa's seedy scheme, but we who are also freaks acknowledge the bigger picture: Rudolph "nose" there is no funding for the Island of Misfit toys so therefore uses Santa's own meager guile against him to find homes for all his outcast associates.

We also take comfort in the even bigger picture that, unlike their dull and ne'er-do-well assembly, Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon Cornelius have risen above the basic and archaic concept of an eye-for-an-eye in order to exemplemplify a higher road--a Northern Pole if you will--in doing unto others what you would have them do unto you. Yukon Cornelius is the social worker in this scenario as he has partnered with Hermey to remove the teeth of the Abominable Snowman to restore him as a productive member of society.

I will conclude this blog by quoting the often under appreciated Christmas character, Sam the Snowman:

It's always the same story.