Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Best of 2013 According to Some People I'll Offend Part I

Once upon a time I used to be afraid of offending people because this is a relatively small town but then I realize that I don't have to open my mouth for strangers to dislike and judge me and also that I've probably already pissed off the wrong people anyway.

Therefore, here's my opinion about the most recent Lynchburg Living Magazine's "Best of Insert Any Year Because It Never Changes Anyway." My review is completely trustworthy seeing as how my opinion is the most important and I hate all the people you should hate. Also you must remember that I know a lot of people around town, I know what happens in their business, their dirt, who they know, what they know, how they did it, and that time at band camp with you know who and I probably know you too even though you don't know me. But I don't tell my secrets. Otherwise, who would tell me anything ever again? But rest assured I have informants.

If we could just start with the best restaurant, that would be great.

I don't have any feelings of ill will for Waterstone, but seriously, it is not the best locally-owned restaurant in town and to assert such a ludicrous fable speaks to the audience who took the time to fill out the survey. It's an ok restaurant, with fine pizza and acceptable beer, but it's too crowded and the last time I patronized the restaurant, our waitress who was all of 18 acted like a bitch because obviously, we were not her target audience.

The runners-up are a more suitable selection. Jimmy's on the James and Isabella's offer far more in the categories of ambiance, fare, and originality.

I will also note that Waterstone won in the "Best Atmosphere" and "Best Pizza" divisions and although I've already spoken to the ambiance factor, I'm very glad that it beat out Rivermont Pizza. Among the people that I hate are hipsters and kids from the 03 who dress like homeless people yet own $500 sunglasses and have never worked a day in their lives. I also dislike slow service and annoying bands.

Best winery went to Rebec Vineyards because they host the Garlic Festival (aka Stinky Drunk Fest) and people in this area still know next to nothing about local wines. If wines in this region were judged on quality and atmosphere, Altillo Winery and Leogrande would have easily gotten a nod but since people still drink Moscato and think it's the bee's knees (this is not a reference to mead) then they go with who they know. However, I love Danny Johnson and Peak's Winery and the wine and folks at Hickory Hill are beyond amicable, so I can't really be upset about this category.

You will note the best cultural events center around alcohol. I cannot argue with that.

I don't care about golf, have no strong opinion about live theater, and am tickled pink that Liberty University was not mentioned in the "Best Tourist Attraction" category along with their atrocious bald spot on the mountain.

Let's skip the great outdoors because I don't care.

I am biased about the best auto service because I go to my friend at Harris Tire so I won't mislead you there, although you are more than welcome to read my scathing review of Billy Craft Chrysler Jeep on Yelp since they can suck it. The only thing I can say about Forest Automotive is that I love their Christmas display.

I have only stayed at one Bed and Breakfast in town and it is quite lovely, but what they say about the hostess is true--she has a chip on her shoulder and they aren't overly hospitable but I think they're from the North so what can you expect? Just kidding, Yankees. Actually, I'm not but I like yous guys anyways.

I don't shop around town for clothes but that speaks to my own body and not price or quality. I have big boobs and long legs which is the only reason some of you are reading this blog.

A bunch of other categories that I also don't care about followed clothing stores: banks, thrift shops, spas, florists, law firms. I don't care about any of this. Do you? I guess you do if you own a bank, a spa, or a law firm.

I won't say anything about best photographer because I am particularly snarky about this subject. It's not because I'm a photographer. It's because I can't stand precious, hokey pictures of couples, babies, and other things that are not endearing to me at all. I'll take a photo of a duck over one more chalkboard picture any day.

Fusion deserves the best salon. Dorothy Carson is dope and so is her crew. The end.

The best travel agency is Rejuvenation Vacations and I'm only saying that because they like my posts on Facebook. I have never booked travel through any agency because I'm poor and clueless. But if they book my trip to Los Angeles and do a good job, I'll certainly share the experience (this was a shameless attempt at discount services).

The thought of a wedding gives me a headache so I'll pass on wedding venues.

Wellness. Here is my opinion. Health care here sucks. If I expound upon this I'll go on and on and on so I'll stop now.

I see that Dragonfly beat The Worx--finally. I am not familiar with either but I like Blackout because I know for a fact their lead singer is a decent person, plus they're talented.

I'm starting to note that all I do in town, so it seems, is eat, drink, and form opinions about others...

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